Don Patch: The Quest For Supremacy

It's a bright and early morning. Don Patch had just awoken from a dream he was having, one that he was enjoying...

In the dream, Don Patch and Bo-bobo were having a wiggin match. And, as with any dream of Don's, he was winning.

"Fist of the Nose Hair! Patchy Pummeler!" Bo-bobo pulls out a giant hammer with a dizzy-eyed Don's face on the end of it and tries to hammer him, but he dodges every swing. About ten whacks later, Bo-bobo finally hits Don--but to Bo's dismay it was only a rubber squeaky hammer.

"Whattaya call that?" said Don with a laugh. It was his turn to retaliate. "Don Patch Super Scream!" Assuming the bored-looking expression from a previous Bo-bobo episode, Don Patch slowly raised his arms. Suddenly, he put them to his cheeks and ended up with the weirdest face and weirdest background possibly in the history of the manga/anime itself! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYA!!!" The force of the scream sent Bo-bobo flying backward and into a wall.

"You're not bad," said Bo-bobo, "but it takes a lot more than that to defeat the King of Wiggin Specialists!" Bo-bobo went into his famous pose. "Super Fist of the Nose Hair!" Energy flowed through him like mad. "Fro Tank of Doom!!" Bo-bobo suddenly looked like a tank. A tank's gun came out of his afro and aimed at Don Patch. "Target locked! Fire 1!" A yellow missle came speeding at Don. He took one sidestep and the missle missed completely.

"No wonder they call it a missle!" said Don, in a gloating way.

"Target locked! Again. Fire 2!" This time, a green missle shot out at Don. He rolls out of the way, but the missle turns around and heads back for him. Don Patch pulls out his trusty Don Patch sword and slices the missle in half.

"How can an onion slice through a missle?!?" screamed Beauty, like she always does.

"Target locked! Again again! Fire 3!!" Bo-bobo said in a much bigger voice. Soon we see why. The missle launched this time is enormous; in fact, too big to have fired out of the tank's gun. Don cowered in fear as the missle hit him. "Direct hit!" said Bo-bobo.

...But as the smoke cleared, Don is seen standing and completely unaffected. "It didn't work," he said, striking an odd pose, "because I'm a meathead!!"

"Not this again!" remarked Beauty.

But Bo-bobo knew how to counter this now. "So, you're saying you have a head made of meat?" he said calmly. Suddenly, he started charging at Don Patch with his mouth wide open and said, "I think I'll just EAT IT THEN!!"

But before Bo-bobo could react, he found himself plunging mouth-first into Jelly Jiggler with a crude-looking Don Patch mask. "Oof!" he cried. He had a large bite taken out of his side. "Is that any way to treat the REAL STAR OF THE SHOW??" he shouted, imitating Don Patch.

"It's how I treat all my enemies," replied Bo-bobo, chewing on the jelly. "Hmm, needs more salt." He looked back up at Jelly. "Hey Don Patch, when'd you get so tall?"

"That's not Don Patch, that's Jelly Jiggler in a mask, you doofus!" said Beauty.

"Actually, I'm his stunt double," Jelly said back.

"Stunt double?!?" said Beauty, eyes popping.

"Cut!" said a voice from off-stage. An average-looking man with a megaphone and a slightly large head came onto the scene. "Not bad, guys, but how about sticking to the script?" He pulls out an insanely large script. "I don't have anyone in here anywhere revealing that they are anyone's stunt double."

"Oh yeah? Well I quit!" said Jelly angrily, throwing down the Patch mask. "I can't work under these conditions!" he said, indicating the large bite mark in his body. "Don can do his OWN stunts!"

"Ugh, fine," said the director. "We don't have the budget to hire a well-trained stunt double anyway. Get over here, Don Patch! You're on!" Once everyone got back into place, the director yelled "Action!" and the fight continued.

"Don Patch Sword Tornado!" said Don Patch immediately. He started spinning with his "sword" held out, causing a wind to start up. Bo-bobo got sucked into the tornado...but on a closer look, Don and Bo-bobo were now in ballerina costumes and twirling together, with some calm music playing. Suddenly, Don stuck his leg out and spin-kicked Bo-bobo, who flew off the platform they were on and into the endless abyss. A bright light flared from where Bo-bobo fell, and an announcer said "Game!" It shows Don doing a victory pose, and Bo-bobo clapping in the background. "This game's winner is...Don Patch!"

"Oh YEAH!" started Don. "You're lookin' at the NEW King of Wiggin Specialists! Bow down to me! I am now your god! You will erect statues of me in every city! You will worship me in your churches! You will give me offerings of half-eaten cheddar fries and moth balls!"

Bo-bobo walks up to Don Patch. "Well, Don, you win. I am proud of you, son." He presented him the Wiggin Specialist "H" necklace. "Here you go. You've...earned it."

It was right at this time Don's alarm clock, with a little Bo-bobo head on top, rang. He smashed it with his onion. Yawning, he got up out of bed. "Well," he said, "Today's the day!"

He gets out of his bedroom and goes into the living room, in which Bo-bobo is up and looking out the window. "Aaah... Look at the little birdies..." he said, relaxed. "I'll call you breakfast, you lunch, and you dinner...yum..." He spots Don Patch about to open the front door. "Don Patch!! Where are you going?"

"I'm going on a quest to become the King of Wiggin Specialists!" said Don Patch, in his I'm-the-best way.

"Ok, hon, be back by dinner time," said Bo-bobo.

Should I really leave? thought Don. I might not make it without Bo-bobo to encourage me... hmm...

"I changed my mind! I can't leave you, Bo-bobo!" said Don Patch, turning away.

"Nooooo!" said Bo-bobo. "I wanted to have a wild party while you were away!"

"Oh...ok then, I guess I'll head out." Don Patch closed the door behind him. Not three steps did he walk before he heard loud music and noises coming from inside the house. Don looked throgh the window and saw Bo-bobo, Jelly Jiggler, Dengaku Man, and even Beauty dancing to some funky music. He immediately turned around and started thumping on the door.

"Hey, let me in Bo-bobo! I wanna party!" he said, trying desperately to get it open. Came Bo-bobo's voice from inside, "Ooh! I know! Let's play Pin The Tail On Don Patch!" "On second thought..." said Don Patch. He crept away and started off on his adventure, with one goal in mind.

Shortly after leaving his house, walking 10 feet, making a ninety degree left turn, walking about 100 feet, making another ninety degree left turn, and walking a few more paces ahead, Don Patch saw a peculiar sight: A floating sword in the middle of the road. But of course, no sight is really peculiar for Don Patch. Here's how he treated this encounter.

"Cool, a backscratcher!" said Don, as he grabbed the sword by the handle and prepared to scratch his back with it.

"Ow..." came a voice from within the sword.

"Wh-who said that?" quivered Don, slightly uncomfortable.

"I did," replied the sword.

"Who's I?" Don backed up a little bit.

"The swooooord said it, you dummy! I'm the sword!"

"Cool, a phantom sword." He calmed down.

The sword was silent for a few seconds. Then it spoke. "That's it!!" he said, brightly.

"What's it?" asked Don.

"You found me a name! For decades I've been searching for the proper name for myself and I couldn't think of anything until you showed up! I can't repay you enough!"

Don Patch, who was sleeping, had just awoke. "Uh...wha? I didn't catch all of that."

"Ugh...Listen, you wanna be a Wiggin Master, right? I can help you train...if you want..."

"Hmm..." Don thought for a moment. Suddenly, he realized the sword was floating and moving by itself! "Go away Sad Ghost!" he said, more scared than usual.

"'Sad Ghost'...?" said the confused Phantom Sword.

"Waaaaaaahh!!" Don ran away. He ran and ran until he couldn't catch his breath. This angered Don; he'll never get to beat his breath in a game of tag. He stopped to rest by a tree. Phantom Sword came after him.

"Calm down, weirdo!" he said as he was coming back. Don Patch was too tired to continue running, so he gave up and sat down. "Listen," continued Sword, "If you want to beat Bo-bobo, then you need to work your way up. And I know just where to start."

Don couldn't resist the opportunity. After all, he didn't know where to start himself. He had no choice but to agree.

"All right, to start off, you'll need a weapon. Here you go." Phantom Sword (somehow) handed Don Patch a golf club.

"Thanks!" said Don, as he swung a few practice strokes. He figured this would be a good starting weapon for becoming the master of wigging out. Especially since he always seems to hit his golf balls into bunkers, water traps, and mouseholes.

"Ok, Don, meet me in the forest and we'll start the real training."

Phantom Sword disappeared into the darkness. Don Patch tried to follow but bumped into a small shrine-like structure. He looked down at it and found a small piece of paper. The only things on it were the words "Dare to be Stupid" printed in large bold letters.

"Huh, this looks important," Don said, pocketing the paper. "Better keep this. Now, how do I get into the forest..."

Phantom Sword came back out. "I almost forgot!" he said. "My good friend Alex will teleport you to the woods."

"And where do I find this 'Alex'?"

"She has a secret hideout inside one of the buildings. Actually, it's not so secret..."

Don Patch, following Sword's advice, went inside many of the buildings in-town, among them a shop, casino, a few houses, and even the bathroom. But upon his second return to the shop, he noticed something a little different. He found a waterfall on one of the walls! The shopkeeper paid no attention to him as he passed through the water. He came into a grassy room with a nice-looking witch with semi-long orange hair floating around on a broomstick. Don assumed that she was Alex.

"So, you must be Alex," he said as he was entering. "Can you teleport me to the woods? I need to go train with my new pal Phantom Sword the backscratcher!"

"Ok," said Alex, "but what's the password?"

Don Patch remembered the piece of paper he found earlier, and used his rather tiny brain- "Hey!" said Don. Apparently he can hear me. Maybe I should keep it down. As I meant to say, he used his rather large brain to figure out that that was the password.

"Dare to be Stupid!" said Don confidently.

"Allrighty, I guess I'll teleport you to the woods!" she said with a smile. Then with a wave of her wand, Don suddenly found himself standing in a lush forest with many trees and animals. Phantom Sword was waiting there for him.

"Hey dude, remember me?" said Sword.

"Who said that?" said Don, as if he was meeting him all over again.

"Let's not start this again. So, are you ready to train?"

Don Patch had on a train engineer's outfit and was moving around a little toy train on a small track, making choo-choo noises. "Another bright and sunny day on the Don Patch express!" Suddenly, he took a cow doll and smashed it into the train with great force. "Flaming cow meteors! Return fire!" The train now had a cannon on its top, and was shooting bullets at the cow doll. Phantom Sword looked at the scene in disgust (if he could even make expressions) and decided to interrupt by slicing the track, the doll, and the train in half. "Enough! Gaahh! Just be ready for your first enemy!" A few odd green flames with shocked-looking faces came out from behind the trees. "Get ready!!"

The flames attacked. Don Patch pulled out his golf club and made one flame into a 300-yard drive. The audience applauded calmly. An announcer said, "A fabulous tee shot by Don Patch, measuring about 300 yards and landing nicely on the fairway." The second green flame came to the tee and set down a ball that looked a lot like Jelly Jiggler. The flame tried to swing with a club of its own, but it missed completely and the golf club came back around and hit the flame. Don Patch was now holding the club. The flame flew another 300 yards and hit the first one, causing them to be knocked out. Their flames extinguished, Don grabbed them both and flung them deep into the trees.

"Well, congrats!" said Phantom Sword. "You beat the Limes." Don flinched with confused thought about why those things were called Limes, but Sword interrupted his next question. "This is only the first step in the journey of a thousand miles. After a bit more training, you can go into the deeper woods, where you can challenge the first of the Wiggin Trainers, Sam the Samurai. There are eight Wiggin Trainers in all, and when you beat one you recieve an item that helps you become a better Wiggin specialist. Let me know when you're ready to fight some more Limes."

"All right!" said Don Patch, picking his golf club back up. "I'm ready for some more!"

Don Patch had been training on those so-called Limes for a good day or so. Don was taking them down right and left without so much as a scratch now. He even fought about 15 at once and took them all out with a single blow. Phantom Sword watched him with much excitement.

"Well done, Don Patch! I think you are ready for the rest of the woods now. See that stump over there?"

"Yeah." Don noticed the stump that had been blocking the way for him to go past into the deeper part of the forest.

"Well, just show it you have received enough training, and it will let you pass!"

Don Patch walked up to the stump. He opened up a pause menu, showing his stats, and pointed to his level, which was now 3. The stump moved aside.

"Farewell," called Sword, "and may we meet in the future!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll call you when I need a backscratcher!" said Don as he crossed into the deeper, darker forest.

The forest was big and wide, spreading out as far as one could see. Trees overpopulated the vast fields. They seemed to form walls for a maze. But the strange thing about this forest is, the trees were polka-dot and were all dancing! No, just kidding, they were all normal trees. Actually, the forest didn't seem too scary at all. But after a while...

"Aw man! I could've sworn I been here before!" said Don Patch, indicating a unique tree shaped like a cactus. "I'm lost!!"

From out of nowhere, an old man with a long beard and a longer walking staff came from within the trees. "Ah, so you are lost, young one?" he said. "I am Uldage. I am here to help you navigate through these woods and survive."

"Allright!" said Don happily. "I got an old geezer!" Uldage just shook his head and led on.

The two followed the same path Don had gone through before, when he was going in circles. But Uldage stopped by a field of shrines, something Don had overlooked, similar to the one Don had gotten the password from.

"Why are we stopping here?" said Don.

"There is no need to be going in circles," said Uldage. "Try to walk through the shrine things."

"Phine," said Don. He walked into a shrine, expecting a collision. But apparently, either the shrine object was not solid, or the Don Patch object had no collision event with the shrine, because he stepped right through it. He was amazed. "How did..."

"In these woods, things aren't always as they seem," said Uldage.

As they walked on, Don Patch noticed a strange black square floating in a small clearing. "What the heck is this?" he said. It looked like some sort of glitch. He touched it. A strange noise came from it, it was too undescribable to determine what it sounded like. My description is it sounded like a bunch of random annoying loud notes strung together. I bet Don Patch thought it was his mother calling. Either way, Don was shocked.

"What was that??" he said. After a while, Jelly Jiggler showed up in the distance.

"Hey Don Patch!" he called. "Over here!"

"Who said that?" said Don. He couldn't see Jelly. "A ghost? Go away Sad Ghost!"

"Ugh..." said Jelly. "I'll just wait here until he snaps out of it."

Many days passed. Don still did not snap out of it. He was left in a trance that put him in a permanent coma. After about 3042 years, Don finally awoke, due to loud whirring from fancy futuristic hover cars. Actually, I was just kidding. It was about 3042 milliseconds later that he woke up, because he heard Bo-bobo's voice saying: "Go talk to Jelly Jiggler you coward!!"

"Oh, that was Jelly? I thought it was the Sad Ghost again!" Don Patch walked over to where Jelly was.

"Don Patch! I knew you'd come back for me!" said Jelly happily.

"I never left you," said Don Patch. Jelly replied with a dull glance, but continued on.

"So what can I get you?"

"Hmm..." Don Patch suddenly had a super-crazy expression, as indescribable as the sound from earlier. "Eraouhosereur! BALHJAEROHROEOVJM!!"

"Uh... DON PATCH!!!" Jelly was angrier than Bo-bobo after just losing his fro. "You said something very bad!! Out!!"

"Blech," said Don Patch. "Actually, I need a writing utensil."

"I like weapons too! Here!" Jelly handed Don Patch a sphere. He examined it and guessed it was a pretty good weapon, by the looks of the happy skull symbol on it.

"I wanted a cube, or a pyramid! Because a pyramid could crush my enemies and bury them alongside the Egyptian king dude!"

The whole time this was going on, Uldage was sleeping. He didn't want to interfere with Don Patch's "crazy" session, because it was this crazyness power that gave him strength, and he was basically training with it. Sensing that it was finally over, he awoke.

"So, Don Patch, if you are ready to move on..."

"More than happy to!" The two started to leave.

"Bye bye! Take care!" said Jelly. Then, as soon as they left, he added, "And finally I met up with Don without him hurting me!"

Don Patch came running back. "I almost forgot!" said Don, "I still gotta test my weapon!" He threw the sphere at Jelly, who got knocked backward and erupted in a fiery explosion that was like the 4th of July. "Ooh... Pretty fireworks..." said Don admirably. He picked up his sphere and went onward for real this time.

Eventually, they came up to a floating speech bubble with an ellipsis in it (that's three periods in a row) but no one was using it. Beauty and Gasser were there, staring at it.

"What the heck is it?!?!" said Beauty.

"I don't know!!" said Gasser.

Then the thing spoke. "I am an object that gives you stuff, and if you don't like it, then I say 'Tough!'"

"That was the most beautiful poem I ever heard!" said Don Patch. "It's perfect! You get the Nobel Prize!"

"Wow! Thanks for the comment! To show my appreciation I present to you a gift that will bring you happy nation. Here is a Twine Plate Body, may it serve you well, once again thanks, I'll be seeing you in...the store!"

Don put on the "twine plate body", which was a suit of armor but made out of twine! It was still better than nothing, though. Don donned the platebody.

"It's a platebody made of twine?? What use is that?!" said Beauty as they left.

Don Patch and his 'old geezer' Uldage approached a clearing in the forest, with furniture like in a house's living room. Standing in the middle was a middle-aged samarai (no, not like in medieval shining armor, as in, in his 40's or so) with yellow samarai outfit and a long sword. He had a very serious look on his face. "Welcome, Don Patch," he said, in an old-man-sensei-type voice. "I am Sam, the Samurai. If you feel you are ready to fight me you may do so now."

"Now why should I fight you?" said Don.

"Because you can become stronger in the art of Wigging Out...And you get a cool sword."

"Sweet. In that case," Don Patch wielded his sphere in one hand and his Don Patch Sword in the other, "I am ready to fight you!"

The two exchanged fighting poses and serious glances. Uldage sat down and pulled out a box of popcorn. Jelly Jiggler, bandages all over his body, joined him on the couch and got a handful of popcorn.

"Come at me, now!" said Sam. Don Patch charged at him, sword drawn, ready to begin his first challenge to becoming the best.

Don Patch was beginning to fight the first Wiggin Trainer, Sam the Samurai, after trekking the woods with his new old (cool, an oxymoron!) guide Uldage. Don knows from his mentor Phantom Sword that in order to even stand a small chance against Bo-bobo, he must go on this long journey and challenge the eight Wiggin Trainers. If he can't beat this first challenge, there's no way he could become King of Wiggin Specialists. So he is trying his best. As he charges at Sam, his first attack is a symbol of his extreme dedication:

"Pillow fight!!"

...Or not. Don Patch pulls out two pillows and furiously whacks Sam in the head, the legs, and everywhere in between. Sam was wishing for a more, erm, painful first strike.

"Secret Pillow Bomb!"

Ok, so he got his wish. The samurai flew into the air, knocked back by the explosion. "Not bad," he said, "but can you handle my counter-strike?" He withdrew his sword and rushed at Don. He held out his onion sword to block, but right when he did, Sam disappeared! Don looked around for a while, but Sam reappeared behind him and struck his arm with the blade! Don screamed in pain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYA!!!!" A super-scream, that is. Sam was thrown into a chair. As he was running back, Don said, "I can do that disappearing trick too, ya know. Try me!" Sam attacked again at Don, who disappeared in a cloud of smoke. But Sam still hit something. When the smoke cleared, Sam realized he had cut halfway through-you guessed it-Jelly Jiggler.

"Ow!" He said. "Why must the world be so cruel?" But Sam thought it must be a trick, or perhaps he just likes to join in the torture, and continued attacking Jelly anyway.

Don Patch took his place on the couch next to Uldage. "Gimme some popcorn!" he said, snatching it from him and chugging it down like it was in a cup. See, I told you that you would eat it all and save none for the readers!

Next time we see Jelly, he is in about thirty pieces on the floor. Sam finally saw Don on the couch and said in surprise, "What? That wasn't a disguise?? Oh well."

"OH WELL?!?" said Jelly in a Beauty-like fashion.

"Sorry, just needed a little break!" said Don as he was getting up from the couch.

Uldage hurried up and gathered all of Jelly's pieces and sat back down, trying to tape them together. When that didn't work, he decided to use staples, ignoring Jelly's further yelps of pain. It still didn't work, so he just dumped the pieces in a blender and turned it on.

As Jelly was being blended into even more pieces, (and a barely audible mumble of "I hate my life") Don Patch and Sam continued their fight. Don threw his sphere at Sam, who blocked it with his sword. The sphere split into two pieces and exploded. Another explosion. Sam flew back into another chair. Growling, he got back up and headed for Don again, who now had two Don Patch Swords and parried Sam's sword slash, counterattacking at the same time. Sam disappeared again. Don stared blankly into space this time. When Sam finally reappeared, Don quickly turned around and held up the blender. Sam's sword shattered it, revealing a good-as-new Jelly. While Sam was riddled with confusion, Don prepared his next attack:

"Patchi Power! Sketch Glider Attack!" A large pencil drew a line downhill, and at the end put a bunch of lines going in random directions. It pressed a "play" button that came from nowhere, and Sam was shown sliding in a snowmobile down the line that was just drawn. He couldn't move or do anything, just helplessly blink and enjoy the ride. Once he reached the series of lines at the bottom, he started tumbling wildly about and got launched somehow way up in the sky, followed by the snowmobile. He landed, breaking yet another chair, and soon after the snowmobile hit him in the head. Sam struggled back up and weakly drew his sword.

"I may be weakened, but I'm not done!" He charged back at Don with the sword out. Don Patch looked like a sandbag, just sitting there, waiting to be hit. Sam charged up his sword swing, and whacked Don as hard as he could. He was sent flying across a field marked with measurements and signs every 100 feet. Don hit the ground at the 6,000 mark. "A new record!" said an announcer. But Don got back up unscathed.

"H-how did you do that?" said Sam, shaking.

"You silly," said Don Patch, now back to normal. "Everyone knows that you can knock around the bag of sand all you want, but it's not gonna take any damage! Now I will finish you off! Patchi Power!! End Paragraph!!" He pulled out a large paragraph sign and hit Sam hard with it, launching him into the last chair and breaking it.

"Ugh..." said Sam. "Well fought. I admit defeat. Congratulations, Don Patch. You've beat me, the first Wiggin Trainer, and earned this reward." He handed Don his samurai sword. "May it serve you well in your quest."

"All right!" said Don. "I did it!"

"Well done!" said Uldage. "I'm afraid now is the time I must leave you. You are ready to venture through the rest of this quest alone. You can find the next Wiggin Trainer by going through the Dead Woods, through Krepy Manor, and past the Great Building. But I will leave you with one last word of advice: the more popular you are, the more powerful you will become. Good luck young Wiggin Master."

"Wait, what does that mean?" said Don. "Come Back! Argh!"

Don Patch came out of the woods and came back into the town. He knew where the Dead Woods were all right; they were a dark and forbidden place. Only those who can prove themselves worthy can get into there. He approached the entrance, which was guarded by a strange-looking slime thing.

"Halt!" said the slime. "You may not pass! These woods are very dangerous, which is why they are forbidden!"

"But I'm a Wiggin-In-Training. See?" Don showed him the Samarai Sword he recieved for beating Sam.

"That sword!" said the slime. "You have permission to enter. Be careful..." It stepped out of the way. Don Patch looked at the forest of dead trees, where it was storming madly. Don happily skipped in like a little girl, unaware of the potential dangers he may face.

Don Patch walked into the dark, dead-tree forest, where there was a heavy rainstorm going on. As soon as he passed the first tree, a loud clap of thunder struck, making Don flinch. But, his three-second memory invited him to go forth, ignoring the fact that the lightning had struck five feet away from him.

He continued on. After a while, he came up to a dead end. "Huh, its a dead end," he said. But when he tried to turn around, he heard a roar, followed by a MWAHAHAHA!!! "What was that?" said Don. A couple of Dead Tree Ghosts emerge from the trees!

Don Patch now faces these Dead Tree Ghosts, everything now slightly pixelated. A status bar showed up at the bottom of the "screen" showing Don's HP and MP bars. Again, his three-second memory forbade him from thinking about it too long. "Fight" was selected. Don Patch ran up to a ghost with his Samarai Sword and did a nice 23 damage. The Dead Tree Ghost replied with a Haunting that hurt Don for 6 damage. The other Dead Tree Ghost Haunted Don as well doing 5 damage. Next turn, Don selected "Skills". Then he chose the Super Scream, costing 10 MP. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYA!!!!" screamed Don Patch. Each ghost took 123,498,204 damage. They collapsed. Don Patch earned 45 experience points! Don Patch raised a level to 4!

So he continues to walk further. Following many winding paths, twists, turns, and hula hoops, he comes up to a sign that reads: "West---Death, East---Despair, North---Dismay, South---Destruction". Don gave a cheery expression and said "Let's face it, I'm lost!"

He went in circles, squares, triangles, cubes, noodles, salmon, and a hot plate. Eventually, 123,498,204 milliseconds later, he came up to a small clearing. The first thing he noticed was a floating sword in the middle of the clearing. Recognizing his old buddy (so much for three-second memory) he rushed up and gave him a hug.

"Phantom Sword! How nice to see you again!" Don said. He reeled back in pain. "Ow! Sharp!"

"Hey dude," said Phantom Sword, "I, uh, wanted to join you on your quest to become a great Wiggin Master."

"Ok, sure!" said Don. "But only if you scratch my back!"

"Hey, hey, hey, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours! Now let's go! These woods are creeping me out."

"But one question, how did you get in these woods? I thought you had to have a Samarai Sword to get in."

"I am a sword, ya dummy."

"Oh yeah."

They walked for hours longer. The rain would not let up at all, and there was the occasional lightning/thunder that scared the heck out of Sword. But as they went along, Sword noticed something Don hadn't seen before as Don was walking alone. There was a large, bright and sunny clearing in the middle of the woods, complete with pretty flowers and a Dengaku Man! It wasn't even raining there! The duo decided to check it out.

"Aah, I could just soak up the day!" said Dengaku Man.

"Yeah, well, I..." stumbled Don in amazement.

"Hey lil' marshmellow dude," said Sword, "Can you give us directions? We need to find a way out of here."

"Oh, there's no way out," said Dengaku, with the same smile and cheery voice.

"WHAT?!?" said Sword and Don in unison.

"But there's a stairway somewhere that will lead you out of here."

"Technically that qualifies as a way out," said Don.

"Well, have fun in the woods, Don and backscratcher!"

"Ugh! I am NOT a backscratcher!!" said Sword in anger.

Now that they had incentive, Don Patch and Phantom Sword hunted for this staircase. They got lost again many times in the process, due to Don's three-second memory, but thanks to Sword's 123,498,204 second memory, they got back on track. Eventually, they came up to the clearing Don had found Sword in.

"Aw man! We're right back where we started!" said Sword.

"Yeah, but look at that!" Don pointed to a staircase in a corner.

"That wasn't there before!"

"Who cares?"

They took the staircase. It led them to another spooky place, but this was a graveyard in front of a large haunted mansion. I haven't much else to say.

"I don't like the looks of this place," said Sword. They opened the door and found a bunch of nice-looking furniture.

"I think the decor is actually quite fitting!" said Don as they walked in.

As the pair went on into the first room, dark and unlit, some familiar sounding music started playing. "What's with that music?" said Sword. "Oh, never mind. Let's just keep going."

Suddenly, a ghost appeared behind Don! It stunned him for a bit, but he was able to turn around and pull out his vacuum with a flashlight attached. He shone the light at the ghost, freezing it and revealing a heart, then using the vacuum to suck it up. "Gotcha!" said Don. Immediately after eliminating the specter, the room lit up, and the music stopped playing, but was continued by a confident whistling of Don Patch.

They entered the next room. There was a line of bookcases too tall to climb over, but through the crack of the books they could see some stairs. There was also a cupboard, a kitchen table with four chairs, and a row of pots. Sword noticed something sticking out of one of the pots. It was a rope. He took it out (with no regards to the fact that he has no limbs) and handed it to Don.

"Hey Don, try throwing your rope up the bookcase," he said. Don did what he suggested and the two made it on the other side where the stairs were. They climbed up the stairs and found a room with nothing but a mirror.

"Why is there one single mirror in the room and that's it?" said Sword.

"In the mirror I see 'Look behind you for the answers'," said Don. He looked behind himself and found a painting hovering where there should be a wall separating two rooms.

"W-why do you think there's not a ceiling piece here?" said Sword. This mansion was really getting to him.

"What? You're a floating sword, how can you be afraid?" They walked up to the picture. There was a loud noise, shaking, flashing, and the two were instantly teleported to another room. It was a dining room, with a long table and many chairs. One section of the wall was a slightly different color.

"What's this?" said Sword. His words were immediately followed by the same loud noise, shaking, and flashing from before, and the two were now outside the mansion.

"I love it when it does that!" said Don happily.

Now they were on a small path across a bed of water. They walked along it and saw a ghost. But not just any ghost, this one had feet sticking out from under his sheet! So apparently it wasn't a real ghost. But as the partners approached, he started acting like one.

"Iiiiii'm Ghoooosty Guuuuus! The Wiggin Traner Number One and a Half!" said the "ghost".

"One and a half?" said Don.

"Yeah, well, I'm not really a Wiggin Trainer, but you must still defeat me to pass!"

"We can take him!" said Phantom Sword.

"Yeah!" said Don, now wearing a suit of armor, a shield, and wielding Phantom Sword as his sword. "Prepare to be slain, thy ghost!"

"Ow..." said Sword. "The blood is rushing to my head...erm, handle."

zzzzzzz...huh? Oh, right. Sorry, I was sleeping. Now, where was I? Oh, dang it! It looks like I woke up too late! Don Patch was standing with his foot over Ghosty Gus, who had apparently just been defeated. I always miss out on the fun stuff!

"Hey, Narrator!" said Don Patch. "That's enough of your funny business! If you become funnier than me we'll have to rename the story to Narrator's Quest for Supremacy!"

So what do you want me to do about it?

"How about we go back to the beginning of the fight so we can undo this dialouge?"

Fine by me. Don Patch, with shining armor and a gleaming Phantom Sword, charged at Ghosty Gus on a horse. But why was this horse blue? Because he was actually riding Jelly Jiggler!

"Ow! Get off me!" said Jelly.

"No way! You are my noble steed!" replied Don.

They argued further. But they forgot to pay attention to where they were going. Jelly missed Gus by a few feet and crashed into the wall.

"Haaaahahaha!!" said Gus. "You have to get in the game, mortals!" But he didn't notice the wall cracking and letting loose a ceiling piece. It crushed him.

"Bullseye! Yeah!" said Don and Jelly as they high-fived each other, but when Don's hand collided with Jelly's he grabbed it and threw him with a ton of force! Jelly hit Gus square in the face as he was getting up.

"Why are you being so mean to me?" said Jelly, crying, and with his Nu hankie out. Suddenly, he glowed red. "You will pay for your insolence!" Jelly charged up a punch and...punched Gus instead!

"Argh!" said Gus. He had been hit three times so far without even launching an attack. "That's enough! I won't fall for your tricks any more!"

"Then here," said Jelly, "I'd like to give you a present to make up for it. Happy Birthday!" Jelly offered a sparkly wrapped present to Ghosty Gus.

"Like I'm falling for a trick like that," he said. "I just know there's a boxing glove inside. I'm not opening it."

"Well fine, Mr. Stingy, I'll just give this to Don Patch. Here you go, Patch-man!" He gave Don Patch the present.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy OH BOY!!!!" said Patch as he opened the present. "Yay! Just what I always wanted!" He pulled out a boxing glove from the present. As soon as he put it on, large spikes petruded from the knuckles. Then he punched Gus again.

"I knew it..." he said, in a daze.

Don Patch grabbed his Samarai Sword, Phantom Sword, and his Don Patch Sword with a third arm he suddenly had. "Patchi Power! Triple Sword Special!!" He repeatedly slashed Gus with each sword in turn, ignoring the comments made by Phantom Sword. With one final slice from all three swords, Don finished off the sad ghost.

"Well, that was short..." said Sword. "And next time, PLEASE go easy on the pwning! My head hurts!" He finished talking and noticed everyone was gone, including Gus. "Hey Don, wait for me!!" He caught up with Don Patch as he was going up another staircase. Jelly had a sword mark across his body and was laying next to a tree unconcious. But Sword just ignored him.

When the two partners climbed up the staircase, they ended up in a truly beautiful and large building. There were people everywhere, and each room had at least one shop. They passed into one room where a pirate and a Gyroid were selling swords and shields. They entered another room that was like an inn, where there were beds and snoring everywhere. Another room was like a library, with shelves stocked to the brim with books like "Zombie Text Box" or "Only Cheaters Mess Up" or "1,001 Things to Do when You're Bored". There was another room, apparently a storage room, that was littered with tons of random things, and it was messier than, well, something messy. Don Patch spotted a throne in the room and sat in it.

"I am King Patch!" he said, in a royal tone.

"Yo, Don Patch!" said Bo-bobo, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"Who said that? Shall I send ye to the dungeon for interrupting my self-praise?" said Don Patch.

"Blech! Take this!" Bo-bobo did a strange dance, and Don was hit by small fireworks. When the dust cleared, he looked just like Bo-bobo!

"What happened to me?" said the new Bo.

"Why are there 2 Bo's??!?" said Beauty, the same way Bo did earlier.

Don returned to normal and stepped off the throne as Bo-bobo and Beauty disappeared again. Phantom Sword was about to say something, but decided against it and followed Don into another room, where they found a stick figure standing on a balcony overlooking the main hall. He sighed with a smile as he looked proudly over everything. "I do say, I'm very impressed with myself!" he said.

"You founded this whole place?" said Phantom Sword.

"No," said the stick, "but I did finish my ship-in-a-bottle!"

"Now THAT'S an accomplishment!" said Don.

"I'm surrounded by idiots..." said Sword as they went into another room, where they found none other than...

"Santy Claus!!" said Don, looking like a little boy. He sat in Santa's lap.

"Ho ho ho," said Santa in his famous belly-laugh, "And what do you want for Christmas?"

Don Patch suddenly had a microphone and burst into song. "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!" he sang. Phantom Sword cut through the mike. Don started to cry.

"Now look what you did." said Santa. "You made the little boy cry."

"Not really, look again," said Sword.

Don Patch looked like an old man, with large eyebrows, a long beard, and a cane. "Why, when I was a youngster, we used to eat our badgers. When I look at these whippersnappers today I..."

He was interrupted by Santa popping his eyes out like Beauty. "Hooooooo-oooh?!?!?"

"Eh, don't mind him, he's crazy," said Sword. "What I want for Christmas is to have someone settle that guy down."

"Well, ho ho ho! I can do that!" said Santa.

"So does that mean you're joining our party?" said Don, back to his old freaky self.

"Why sure!"

"Yay!" said Don, dancing around. "We could use another fat guy right about now!"

"Whattaya mean 'another fat guy'?" said Sword.

"Shut up, pudgy!" said Don. The impact of this on Phantom Sword: He's eating a salad for dinner tonight.

The three amigos left the building and found a path that split up. The sign said "East: Bo-bobo Town, West: Pink Castle".

"Pink Castle, huh?" said Sword. "That must be the way. Forward march!"

Don Patch and Santa were marching among a bunch of soldiers. They both had on military uniforms. "WAH! I didn't mean that way!" said Sword. Perhaps his first impulse towards Santa was wrong.

Following the path, they came up to a large pink castle. They entered it. The place wasn't unfriendly, so they had no trouble getting to the end where another ghost was waiting for them, this one pink.

"I'm Ghosty Gabby! The second Wiggin Trainer!" she said. "Prepare to fight!"

"I ain't 'fraid of no ghost!" said Santa, now wearing green, a Luigi hat, and a Poltergust 3000.

"Not another Luigi's Mansion reference!" said Sword.

"Actually," said Don, "That one was also a reference to Ghost Busters. One of my favorite movies!"

"I hate that movie!" said Gabby. "Because the marshmellow man reminded me of Dengaku Man! And I hate Dengaku Man!"

"Then you shall be punished!!" came a high-pitched voice from the darkness. It was Dengaku Man! Obviously. And he jumped straight into her! Looks as if the first blow had already been struck! How will Don Patch and friends face against the second of his challenges? Just be patient and wait for chapter 7!

Super Fist of the Nose Hair! Oh whoops, that wasn't in quotation marks. Lemme try again.

"Super Fist of the Nose Hair! Mindless Recap!" said Bo-bobo as he got ready to take over as the narrator...hey wait a minute!!

"All right, here's how it goes. In the last 6 chapters, Don Patch had a dream, fought some limes, met an old geezer, fought a samarai, hiked through the woods, and fought a ghost all before dinner time! Now he has to fight, well, another ghost. But there's no way he can defeat me and become King of Wiggin Specialists! I remember the first time we met...His churro wiggin skills weren't bad, but in the end I pummeled him with my chili pepper allergy! Nothing can defeat the awesome power of chili! Eat chili!!"

Bo-bobo pulled out a giant Chili Pepper and whacked Dengaku Man with it. "This is for interfering!" Bo stopped for a few seconds, then hit Ghosty Gabby with it. "This is for hating Dengaku Man!" ("But you just smacked Dengaku Man!" said Beauty) then after another second or two whacked Jelly Jiggler who was suddenly there. "And this is because I don't like you!"

Suddenly the chili pepper turned purple and sprouted arms and legs. This transformation made him look exactly like King Nose Hair. "Hola, peeps!" he said. "I just flew in from Cinqcinatti and boy are my legs tired!"

"There is no Q in Cincinatti you twit!" said Beauty.

"Have a taste of my royal Nose Hair Soup!" said King as he approached Gabby. He held up a bowl of purple soup with black hairs.

"I don't think this is safe to eat," said Gabby. But King shoved the bowl in her mouth. Two thousand explosions later...

"Ow." said Gabby. "You're not doing a single thing!" she said to Don Patch, who was just standing there. A wind blew and Don fell over. He was just a cardboard cutout! Then Bo-bobo, King Nose Hair, and Dengaku Man all unzipped their costumes to reveal Don Patch, Phantom Sword and Santa Claus (in that order!).

"Eh, that's enough," said Gabby. "I'll show you how ghosts handle things!" She grew about ten times bigger. "Ghostly Gamma Ray!" She emitted a bright light that burned everybody. Or at least she thought it did. Everyone was instead frozen into solid ice!

"Ice Burst!" said Don. The shards of ice flung out and stabbed Gabby all over the place. "Ugh!" she said.

"You seem to be pooped out," said Don.

"But we're just getting started," said Sword.

"And now we'll give you a dose of ho-ho-holiday spirit!" said Santa.

"United Friendship Fist!" they all said. "Shiny Christmas Patched-up Battle Suit!"

Phantom Sword hopped into Santa Claus's hand, and he became a brilliant mix of red, green, and white. Don Patch transformed into some spiky full body armor that encased Santa. They had united to become...

...a blender?!?

"What the heck?!?" said Beauty. "That doesn't look like a battle suit at all!"

"Blender Blending Attack!" said the blender in all three of the heroes' voices. Gabby was forced into the blender and tossed around in it. After it was done, she popped out all messed up looking.

"Uuuugh...ooohohh..." she groaned, all tired out.

"Let's finish this!" said Don. "haaaaahh...HAAAAAAHH...BLAAAAH!" He shot a large beam out of his fist. After the smoke cleared, Gabby was left sitting there and smoking.

"Hey! This is the non-smoking section! Either pack it up or hightail it out!" said Don.

"You've defeated me with such ease," said Gabby. "For defeating me, I present to you this." She handed Don a ghostly cloak. "You can use this cloak to hover over harmful terrain, not to mention conveyor belts, et cetera."

"Man, that battle was easy!" said Don. "At this rate I'll beat all eight of you by the end of tomorrow!"

"Yeah sure," said Gabby. "You will find the next Wiggin Trainer in a place called King Porker's Castle."

"So is this King Porker guy the next Trainer?" said Sword.

"You will see..." said Gabby as she disappeared. "Farewell..."

As soon as the two turned around, another ghost appeared in front of them. But this one wasn't new. It was Ghosty Gus again!

"You again?" said Sword. "I thought we took care of you back at the manor! Cmon guys, we can take him again!"

"Actually..." said Gus, "I'm not here to fight you. I wanted to..."

"What?" said Don.

"...well...uh...join you. I saw the way you handled my sister back there and thought 'Man, if these guys can level off a ghost like her, I wonder what it would be like if they were to teach me their ways?' so can I come with you so I may become a powerful ghost like you, well not that you're ghosts, but powerful. Pleeeease?"

"Yeah right, there's no way we're gonna-" but Sword was cut off by Don.

"Ok, sure!"

"Welcome, ho!" said Santa.

"Ugh," said Sword. "I'm not sure about this guy..." But they had ignored him and left without him. "ARGH! Not again!"

With Ghosty Gus now in their arsenal, the four buds returned to the town and found a castle off in the distance. Surrounding it were conveyor belts that definately prevented crossover. Outside was a young woman, probably in her teens, softly sobbing.

"What's wrong?" said Don Patch.

"Oh Romeo! Where art thou?" said the girl.

"Romeo...?" said Sword.

"Yes...sob...an evil dragon captured him and they won't give him back..."

"Well, I bet we could help!" said Gus.

"You really would?" said who was probably Juliet, cheering up some.

"Sure!" said Don. "I know what it's like to lose a loved one..." he said, now looking female.

"AAAIIYH!! IT BURNS!!" said Sword, turning away from Don. Gus and Santa lifted a large pot of water and dumped it in Don's head. He looked normal again.

"Hey, what did ya do that for?" said Don. "My public loves it when I do that!"

The camera zooms out and shows the characters on a stage, and there is an audience. The audience is booing loudly and throwing various fruits, vegetables, and paper airplanes. Very soon, Don Patch was buried in a pile of them.

"Just ignore him," said Sword. "Now, can you tell us where this dragon escaped to?"

"You can find him in the tallest room in the highest tower," said Juliet.

"Uh, right, sure."

Now, to cross the conveyor belts and get to the castle...

Phantom Sword and Ghosty Gus simply floated over the conveyor belts. Don Patch put on the ghostly cloak and hovered over it. Santa inflated himself like a balloon and also floated over it. They entered the castle and saw a line of guards and a pig with a crown sitting on a throne, chowing down on a large barbeque rib.

"Who dares interrupt my eating?" boomed King Porker. "I outta have you sent to the dungeon!!"

"We're looking for Romeo and some dragon," said Sword. "Have you seen them?"

"No I haven't! Now go away!"

But then Gus noticed something about one of the guards.

"Hey, how come you're not stepping with anyone else?" said Gus. The guard's stepping pattern was slightly opposite.

"Do you really have the right to know that?" said the guard in a strange, deep voice.

"Yes, and also to do this!" said Phantom Sword as he sliced through the armor he was wearing revealing a rather small green dragon. The dragon looked around hastily and fled upstairs.

"Who was that?" said Porker.

"Must be our Romeo Thief!" said Don. "After him!"

Don Patch, Phantom Sword, Ghosty Gus, and Santa Claus chased the green not-so-menacing dragon up the stairs in the castle, hoping he would lead them to Romeo.

"Stop right there!" said Don.

"No way dude!" said the dragon. "I'm gonna escape to the tallest room in the highest tower!" He moved quickly past the three, being chased, but the dragon was too fast. He moved some large rocks aside and went into another room. "And you aren't gonna follow me!" He pushed a large stone pillar into the doorway. It barely fit. The dragon went up another flight of stairs.

"This thing's heavy!" said Don, trying to move the large pillar. "And it's pretty stuck!"

Sword noticed a small and narrow passageway between the pillar and the sides of the doorway. "Look, there's a passage, but I doubt any of us can fit!"

"Ooh! Maybe I can!" said Santa, trying to wedge himself between the pillars. Obviously, his efforts failed. "It didn't work..."

"Well, DUH!" said Sword.

"Well, I guess that means I'm going home now!" said Don.

"No, you shall not!" said Gus. "We will find a way past it..."

"Yeah, but how?" said Sword. "You'd have to be as small as a gnome to get through that!"

"Hmm... I know!" said Don. "You guys stay here. I'm gonna go back to the town and see if I can find any help."

Don Patch left King Porker's castle and came back to the nameless town. He searched for a while and found a gnome sitting down bored looking. The gnome noticed Don coming and got up.

"Howdy ho!" said the gnome.

"Sorry," said Don, "I don't speak Canadian."

"That's odd, 'cause I'm not from Canadia..."

"Oh dear, hadn't thought of that!" And Don Patch disappeared!

"Cool, he disappeared!" Gnome dude did a few happy random jigs, and after about fifteen seconds, Don reappeared.

"No I didn't!" said Don.

Gnome, surprised, jumped and came back over to Don. "How did u do that?" As to why he forgot the "yo" I don't know.

"Even I don't know!" said Don. "Well, nice talkin to ya!" He started walking away, and Gnome followed him for a while. "What's that for?"

"Eh, I'm bored."

"Wait a minute..." Don just remembered what Sword said (in spite of his three-second memory): You'd have to be as small as a gnome to get through that! "Hold on, Mr. Gnome... come with me! You are needed!"

"The name's Gnomead," he replied with a grin, "but I wanna stay here and finish my nachos!" Don noticed for the first time Gnomead's bag of nachos.

"I want some nachos!" said Don. "I want 'em, I want 'em, I WANT 'EM!!"

"Listen, I'll share my nachos with you IF you can bring me...some lemonade! I'm parched!"

"Oh goodie! I happen to have some with me right now!" Don handed over a pitcher of lemonade. "I made this myself!"

The scene changes to a bright background with flowers, birds, and butterflies. There is calm music playing. Don Patch and Gnomead sit together at a table with happy expressions. Don pours some lemonade into some cups in front of the two and they start drinking. But suddenly, Gnomead notices that the lemonade in his cup is blue!

"Hold on!" he said. "Why is my lemonade blue?"

The record scratched, stopping the music, changing the background to be darker, and giving Don a sweat-drop face. Then the screen cracked showing an angry Gnomead charging full-speed at Don.

"How dare you serve me blue lemonade!!" said Gnomead. He took off his hat and was using it as a lance. It shows Don on a horse (or is that Jelly Jiggler again?!?) and with a very long green onion. Gnomead was riding a horse as well. And when the two collided...

The scene returned to the happy-go-lucky friendship lemonade drinking scene again.

"That is the best lemonade I ever tasted!" said Gnomead.

"So are you coming with me?" said Don.

"ok" said Gnomead simply. He followed Don back to the castle.

When they returned, they saw Santa trying to break the pillar by belly-slamming it.

"HO!" he said as he rammed into it again. "HO! HO! HO!" He collapsed in exhaustion. "It's no use," he said. "Not even my obese sumo-styled pillar pummeling can break through that."

"Have no fear, Gnomead is here!" Gnomead ran through the gap in the wall and went up the stairs.

"Who was that?" said Sword.

"Some guy who owes me a half bag of nachos," said Don.

As Gnomead went up the long, long staircase, he finally came up into a room with a very high ceiling. "Wow, this room is tall," he said. Then he saw the dragon standing there, thinking to himself.

"Graah!" he shouted. "Who are you?"

Gnomead had heard the whole story from Don on the way, so he knew what he had to do. "You need not know who I am, but I will kick your scales!"

"AHAHAHHAHA!!" laughed the dragon. "You cannot defeat me! I am Lil' Dragon, the third Wiggin Trainer! So unless you already beat the first and second Wiggin Trainers, you won't stand a chance against me!"

"Bring it on, Lil' D!"

Suddenly, a door opened up in the wall beside them. Don, Sword, Gus, and Santa stepped out of an elevator which had popped up at one time or another.

"Top floor," said the elevator man.

"Oh hi," said Don, "We took the elevator!"

"Elevator?" said Gnomead. "Hmm...makes sense to me."

"Wait a minute, you mean we could've took the elevator up here this whole time?!?" said Sword.

"So I see you brought friends, dwarf," said Lil' Dragon, "but you still don't stand a chance against me!"

"How about let's find out!" said Don.

Don Patch, Phantom Sword, Ghosty Gus, Santa Claus, and Gnomead were facing their next challenge: the third Wiggin Trainer, Lil Dragon. They starred it down.

"Now hold on, why was 'stared' spelled with two R's?" said Sword.

"Because, obviously, I'm starring my opponent!" said Don, throwing a bunch of ninja stars at Dragon. Dragon starred back at them.

"Don't tell me, Dragon's got ninja stars too?" said Sword.

"Actually, that was a typo," said Dragon. "I'm just staring." He let all the stars hit his body. He seemed so calm about it.

"That was an easy shot!" said Don. "This guy will be just as easy as the other Trainers!"

"Not quite," said Dragon. He had not a scratch on him. All the stars were laying around him.

"How did you survive that attack?!?" said Don.

"Because, fool, do you not know that I am a dragon? My scales are harder than diamond. Nothing can penetrate them."

"Oh yeah?" said Don. "Well my Don Patch Sword can cut through anything!" He pulled out Jelly Jiggler, shaped like a sword.

"Ching!" said Jelly, imitating a draw of the sword.

Don stared at the Jelly Jiggler Sword. "Hey, you made a typo again!" said Don. Ok, so he starred at it. Jelly, now in his normal shape, ran away and jumped out the window with stars sticking out of his back, screaming. "How dare you imitate my Don Patch Sword!" Don shouted at him. "Now, my REAL Don Patch Sword." He pulled out his green onion.

"Ha!" said Dragon. "Do you really think that an onion can cut through my scales? HA!"

Don Patch swung his onion at Dragon. His sword went right through him!

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!" said Santa, Gus, Sword, and Dragon in unison.

"What?" said Gnomead. "It's perfectly reasonable. The Don Patch Sword and the scales of the Little Dragon are of the same elemental composition, temperature, and social health club, so the molecules can pass through one another freely. It's basic science. LIVE WITH IT FOO'S!"

"...so the onion didn't cut through me, it just passed through me?" said Dragon, still confused.

"Yup!" said Santa, with a piece of paper. "But THIS WON'T! PAPER CUT!!" He charged at Dragon.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA paper cut? You must be kidding-OOF!" Santa cut through some of the scales on his arm and cut some of them off. Dragon clutched where it hit in pain. "How...how did you do that?"

"That's an easy one!" said Santa. "Because I am specialized in the art of Gift Wrap, I am the master of paper!"

"Gift wrap, eh..." said Gnomead. Suddenly, he had an idea. He pulled out a boom box that blasted a rap beat. "START RAPPIN' SANTA!"

"Word!" said Santa.

"Ima Santa Claus, the gift-rappin' dude

I wear a cool hat and I eat a lot of food

I checkin' my list, I checkin it twice

I check to see whos been naughty and nice

Hohoho! hear me laugh

I deliver the gifts in a night and a half

I visit your house and I check my list

Uh oh, you've been naughty, I'ma givin' ya THIS!"

Santa crushed Dragon under a jupiter-sized lump of coal. Santa started break-dancing.

"Everybody say HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dragon lifted the lump of coal, much to everyone's surprise. The music became more serious. "You anger me..." He threw the coal through the ceiling where it went higher, higher, higher...

"Whoa!" said Sword. "He looks angry!"

"Don't worry," said Don. "The other Wiggin Trainers were pushovers. This guy can't be any harder! Now let's just ignore his anger and DAH! IT'S A ROCK!" Don was hit with the giant lump of coal Dragon threw earlier, which smashed him through the floor and on down to the ground floor. Dragon laughed. The elevator came up a few seconds later and Don stepped out of it.

"You meanie!" said Don.

"I haven't even STARTED to be mean yet, kid!" said Dragon. "Because now I will show you my true power! Fist of the Dragon Scale!" Dragon struck a serious fighting pose and started to glow a dark green color. "Dragon Breath!!" A large dragon made entirely of fire came out of Dragon's mouth. Gnomead panicked and jumped out the window. Sword readied himself for the attack. Gus backed up a bit. Don sat at a picnic table with Santa and was having a sandwich. The fire dragon rammed into the picnic table, setting it on fire.

"AAH! FIRE!!" screamed Don and Santa as they were running around on fire. "Keep calm!" said Santa. "I know how to put it out!"

"STOP!" they shouted in unison as they stopped running and screaming.

"DROP!" They dropped to the floor.

"PICKLES AND KETCHUP!!" Don threw pickles at the fire dragon while Santa constantly squirted it with a ketchup bottle. The dragon shrunk and disappeared with various firey dragony screams in between.

"NOW GET THE OTHER DRAGON!!!" they shouted as they charged toward Dragon, who was too shocked to react.

"Have a cookie!" said Santa, stuffing a cookie in the monster's mouth.

"Here's a sandwich!" said Don, doing the same with a sandwich.

"AND MY ANIMAL!!" they both said. A tiger came from out of nowhere and attacked Dragon from behind. Dragon quickly chewed and swallowed the food and began a fairly fast fist fight. Eventually the tiger was knocked out by a swift uppercut.

"Do you seriously think I would fall for that pathetic attack?" said Dragon. "I'll have you know that my power exceeds-GAAAHHH!!" Phantom Sword sliced him in the back while he was talking. "All talk, no action. Tsk tsk." said Sword.

"ugh..." said Dragon, getting up. "Don't you know the rules of an anime battle? The enemy must go into a long and boring speech about his or her own po-WAAAHHH!!" Santa belly-flopped Dragon. This sent him through the floor in much the same way as Don Patch was with the lump of coal.The elevator came up again. Except this time, a butterfly and a moth came out of it.

"WHAT THE?!" said Sword.

"Oops!" said the butterfly. "I knew we should've taken the other elevator!"

"Maybe next time I should decide which elevator we pick!" said the moth.

The moth pressed a button and the elevator went back down. A few seconds later, it came up again, except this time it carried Santa and the Dragon, who looked like they were wrestling. Dragon had Santa in a headlock.

"A...headlock..is that the best...you can do?" grunted Santa. He grabbed Dragon and threw him off. Then Santa pulled out a pair of scissors and started cutting furiously at Dragon's head until he had a new hairdo.

"HAHAHAAA! Dreadlocks beat headlocks!!" said Santa.

"BWAAAAH!!!" said Dragon, taking off the hair which apparently was actually a wig. "I've had enough of your foolishness! Time to end this for good! Fist of the Dragon Scale! Clawwwwws of fuuuuuuury!!!!" Dragon raised his arm and a large shadowy dragon claw extended from it, which he used to slash at the heroes. All were knocked unconcious...except for Ghosty Gus!

"Wh-whaa?? Why didn't it affect you?"

"Because..." said Gus, "I AM A GHOST!! FEAR MEH!!!" He disappeared.

"Huh? Wh-where'd he go?" said Dragon, looking all over. Suddenly, Gus appeared right in front of him. "BOO!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Dragon was so scared by the sudden boo that he skyrocketed through the ceiling. When he fell back down, he landed on something soft...and orange.

"Whew, at least I landed on this randomly placed orange beanbag. Wait a minute..." He looked at the 'beanbag'. It starred back at him. "AIYH!!" Don Patch (the beanbag) had thrown a bunch of stars at him.

Just then, Gnomead came back in through the window. "Is it gone?" he said. Then, seeing Lil Dragon on the ground writhing in pain, he became more confident. "All right Don!" he said. "Let's finish him!"

"You bet!" said Don, picking up Gnomead. "Patchi Power! Gnome Lance!!" He charged at Dragon at full speed, with Gnomead's pointy hat aiming directly for his behind. "CHAAAAAAARGE!!!"

Dragon was again launched into the air with the gnome hat sticking out of his tender area. He fell down through the floor again, creating the third hole. The elevator came back up, and when the door opened a butterfly and a moth pushed the unconcious Dragon out the door.

"Yeah!" said Don. "We did it!"

"Ugh..." said Dragon as he stood up weakly. "You...are very good...I must admit defeat. You are definately King of Wiggin Specialist material. I must give you your prize." He handed Don Patch a suit of dragon scales. "This armor is made of my own scales. They are the hardest scales available. Use it well."

"Sweet!" said Don.

Suddenly, a moan came from behind a curtain.

"Yeah, Sword, I know you just wanna skip the 'congrats' and go, but we have business to take care of!"

"Actually," said Sword, "That wasn't me. It came from over here." He opened the curtains revealing a pot. "Help...help me out of here..." came a voice from inside the pot. Sword tilted the pot over and out popped an ugly-looking robot. Sword could not help but utter a cry of disgust.

"Beep boop bop thank you for rescuing me from this evil dragon boop beep! Now I must beep return to my love Juliet bop!"

"WHAAAAT?!?!" said Sword. "Romeo is a ROBOT?!?"

"Eh, who cares!" said Don. Let's just leave him be and GO! Oh yeah, where's the next Wiggin Trainer, little dragon?"

"The next Trainer waits for you in the Slime Cave, just northeast of the city."

"Ok, slime cave, that doesn't sound too bad! Let's go!" said Don as he, Sword, Gus, and Santa started down the stairs. "Wait!!" said Don. Everyone froze. "Gnome dude! Are you coming?"

"Sorry, but one glass of lemonade only gets you this far! I'm outty!" He jumped out the window, suddenly sprouted wings, and flew off into the distance.

Don Patch and his gang left the castle. I wish there was a way to make that last sentence sound more spicy and interesting, like an award-winning novel. Hey, maybe if I spice up these descriptive paragraphs, I'll get a raise! Maybe THEN I can save enough money for a stick of chewing gum. I always wanted one of those...

"Hmm, I wonder where the Slime Cave might be," said Don Patch, stopping in front of a cave with a huge neon sign over it saying "Slime Cave".

"Um, Don," said Phantom Sword, "Look behind you."

Don looked behind himself. "All I see is a cave with a big neon sign that says 'Slime Cave'. But I still don't know where the Slime Cave is!"

Ghosty Gus sighed. "I know where it is," he said. "Follow me." He went into the cave.

"Ok, but I really don't see how this will lead to the slime cave," said Don. He, Sword, and Santa followed Gus into the cave.

All right, now's my chance to spice up the description of the Slime Cave! Ahem. The rocky walls of the grotesquely large cave was coated in various hues of oozing slimy material. The patterns of the rocks dotting the walls and floor were very mixed, and some of them resembled shapes of various supermodels. Don Patch stared in awe at these unique arrangements, a drop of drool descending from his mouth and dripping onto the cave floor. There was a giant stone rock in the center of the cave with ancient symbols that looked like an alien lan-

"Will you shut up already?!?" said Don Patch angrily. "I hate your excessive use of adjectives and modifiers! It makes this story so boring and hard to understand! Let's just read this rock thingy and pretend that last paragraph never happened."

Awww...Now I'll never get my raise!

"Hmm..." said Sword, looking at the rock. "Well, if it's this big it must be something very important." He turned his head--erm, hilt--sideways and realized the writing was just normal letters turned on their side. "Dry clean on Thursdays?!?!" read Sword.

Don and the others climbed up a small rock cliff. On top was a sort of magic rune, and sitting in the middle was...

"ALEX!" shouted Don Patch happily. It was indeed Alex, the friendly witch in Chapter 2 that teleported him to the woods.

"Oh, hello again Don!" she said. "How's your adventure going?"

"Great! I already defeated 3 of the 8 Wiggin Trainers! I am so awesome! But the only problem is, if I'm the rightful star of the show, why do I have to go on some big adventure to prove it?"

"Because it would be boring if everyone already knew you were the star," Sword cut in. (Get it? Get it? AHAHA ow who threw that?) "You want to entertain your fans, don't you?"

"True, true...Anyway, what are you doing here, Alex?"

"I always come here to train my magic. The slime generates a perfect aura that captures the very essence of..." Don was sleeping. "Hey! Were you even listening?"

Don woke up. "Um, kind of..."

"Oh whatever... Anyway, um, uh... Can I come with you?"

"NO! NO! DID YA HEAR ME?!" shouted Don as if he was offended. "I DONT WANT YOU MESS'N WI-ok!" he said, suddenly changing expressions.

"Yay! All right, now the fourth Wiggin Trainer is on the bottom floor, so there should be a hole somewhere." There were two holes in the ground, one to the left and one to the right.

"Ok, so...which is it?" said Santa. "And why can't I have more lines? I feel so left out. Boo-hoo."

"Well," said Alex, "I'm pretty sure it's the one on the right."

"WHEEEEEEE!!!!" said Don as he jumped down the hole, using a parasol to slow his fall. The others followed. Oh goodie, another descriptive paragraph! Time to act spicy again! Now this floor was filled with various spices like nutmeg, paprika, and cinnamon. The ceilings were made of salt and the walls were made of pepper. As for the floor...well...Argh I can't think of any more spices! Please don't sue!

"SHUT UP!!!" said Gus. "Let ME handle the descriptive paragraph. This room looked much the same as the first one, minus the stone rock. There was a path leading down to a small cliff with another hole on it. But other than that, it was a dead end."

"Bravo! Encore!" said Don and Santa, applauding and sitting with a bunch of random animals in a movie theater. "That was the most beautiful description I have ever heard!"

Sword ripped the screen in half. "Get serious!"

"So, where's the Trainer?" said Don.

"Hmm...I guess I picked the wrong hole," said Alex.

"So how do we get back??" said Sword.

"Um..." thought Alex. But while she was thining, Don had on a snorkel, mask, and flippers and was preparing to dive into the other hole. "Wait Don I don't think you should..." But too late--he already dove into it. "Ugh. Well, we have no where else to go, maybe we should follow him." Alex and the others fell down the hole and landed in the first room next to the rune from earlier.

"Wait..." said Sword, "A hole means you go DOWN right?!"

"Let's try the other hole," said Alex, ignoring Sword's comment. They jumped in the hole and landed in a maze of rocks. That's all I'm going to say, after that last attempt at being spicy I feel like I should just give up. Anyway, the maze wasn't that hard, and they went through it easily. They came into a field with about 8 differently colored slime creatures that slightly resembled Kirby.

"Wh-what are those things?" said Gus, shaking a bit.

"Those are just the slimes that live in this cave. They're perfectly harmless."

As if to disprove her statement, one of the slimes lunged at Sword. "AAH!" he screamed. He sliced back to protect himself. The slime was cut in half. The other slimes suddenly began to attack. Don was ready to pull out his Don Patch Sword and fight them off, but Alex stepped in between them. She raised her arms and a giant wave of fire came from behind her and crushed the slimes. They burned away. One of the slimes snuck around and began to devour Gus.

"AAAAIIYHH!!" shouted Gus as he tried to get the slime off him. Alex shot a bolt of lightning at it, and it became stiff and fell off. "YOU CALL THAT HARMLESS?!?" said Gus.

"Well, they never attacked ME..."

And then, a blubbery wailing noise came from behind them. No, it wasn't a whale! I'm trying not to act spicy anymore because it confuses too many people! It was a giant version of a green slime monster!

"Oh no..." said Alex. "We've disturbed the Slime King."

"This won't be hard!" said Don. "Cause I got a bucket of clams!" He pulled out a bucket of water.

"Ugh, not the waterclams joke again..." said Sword.

Don dumped the bucket and all the water came out, along with a spoon. Don smiled. He picked up the spoon and...

...began to chow down on the slime.

"MMM YUMMY TASTY SLIMY SPICY GOODNESS!" said Don, wolfing it down like someone who hasn't eaten in years. The slime monster roared. It extended its blobby form and engulfed Don, who immediately started to cry.

It was Santa's turn. "I need more lines!!" Suddenly, a couple of black thin 'lines' fell from the sky and into Santa's hands. "That's better!" He started repeatedly whacking the slime monster with his lines. The slime roared again and captured Santa. "Well that was a bust."

"I'll get you outta there!" said Sword. He sliced at the blob, but the blade got stuck in the goo. It sucked him in. "Argh!"

Gus stepped forward. "I'll take care of it. Darkness Fist!" He raised his arm and a giant fist of darkness emerged and pounded the slime king. It ignored the attack and swallowed Gus.

By now, everyone covered in the goo was frantically twitching and flailing, trying to get out. Alex stepped up. "There's only one way to defeat a slime monster this big in one shot." She began to glow. "With a shovel!"

"SHOVEL?!?" said Sword.

"Yes, a shovel!" said Alex. "Don't you get it?"

"No."

"Well watch me and you will! Mega Shovel!" A giant shovel, the head about as big as the Slime King, materialized in Alex's hand. She crushed the slime with it. Man, that sentence sounded so boring, but I'm not spicy anymore so live with it! Now, when she lifted the shovel again, the slime was completely gone, leaving behind the four who had been sucked up earlier.

"Ow..." said Gus. "You crushed us, too..."

"Actually, it didn't crush me!" said Don. He turned around and everyone realized he was two-dimensional.

"LOOK AGAIN!!" shouted Sword.

"So, um, where could the fourth Wiggin Trainer be already?" said Don. "I'm bored of waiting!"

"I can tell you where the fourth Trainer is..." came a high-pitched voice from behind him.

"Huh? Who said that? Was it a Sad Ghost?"

"No, silly, take a look!"

Don turned around and found himself staring at a 5-year-old little girl. "... What's a little girl like you doing in a place like this?"

"Well, I'm Samantha! The fourth Wiggin Trainer!"

"I just know this will be easy!" said Don Patch. "I mean, look at her, she's so cute and innocent."

"Looks can be decieving," said Ghosty Gus in a spooky voice.

"You're not the enemy here, Gus," said Phantom Sword, "and stop pretending to be one!"

"Seriously, if she's a Wiggin Trainer, she's gotta be tough," said Alex.

"I really need more lines!" said Santa.

"So, are you sure you want to challenge me?" said Samantha.

"You bet!" said Don. "This match will take about...5 minutes."

"Don't underestimate my abilities," said Samantha. "I'm not the fourth Trainer for nothing!"

"Yeah yeah," said Don. "Stop bragging and let's get this show on the road!"

"Fine, if you insist." The various rocks and rubble surrounding the area flew backward and formed a large circular wall, thus forming a battle arena. Samantha stood on one side, while Don and co. stood on the other.

"Hey, Sword," whispered Santa, "why is it that we get to fight if this is really Don's quest? Shouldn't he be alone?"

"Shh!" said Sword. "If you let the narrator know, he's going to seperate us from the battle! Just be glad we get to help. He probably wouldn't of gotten this far without our help."

"Hmm, you're right," said Santa.

Jelly Jiggler walked into the middle of the arena with a large bell that had the Nu symbol on it. He struck it. "Fight!" Suddenly, a large amount of various sharp objects and bombs came flying towards him. "Aaah! Not me!" They chased him out of the arena. Samantha stared.

"RAWR!!" Don said as he took advantage of her distraction. "Feel the wrath of my Don Patch Hammer...2.0!!"

He had his green onion out again, but this time it had a large hammerhead on it and he was rapidly swinging it up and down, with old-school music playing, just like in Donkey Kong. Samantha just jumped out of the way. Don chased her around, but she caught up from behind and pounded him in the back. The hammerhead fell off. Don was now weilding his normal green onion and flailing it uselessly. "Hmm," he said, "I'll just whack her with the sword." He turned around to attack with the Don Patch Sword right as the hammerhead was thrown and he was sent flying off the top of the screen.

"Waaaaaah!!" he shouted as he was spotted in the distance falling, then turned into a star. Don came back down on a revival-type platform. "Grr...is that the best you got?"

"That was only defense," said Samantha. "Now watch what I can do with offense! Fist of the Innocent Youth, Endless Jump Rope!!" Herself and a boy about her age grabbed the ends of a jump rope. The rope suddenly became charged with electricity! They began to swing it around Don, who had no choice but to jump. Faster and faster the duo went, causing Don to jump up and down faster until they were going so fast it looked like a blur. Eventually, the kids stopped, and Don passed out, exhausted.

"All right, I call second dibs!" said Santa, stepping forward. "I haven't had any decent action since last Christmas! Now it's time to find out if this little girl's naughty or nice!"

"SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted the two kids. They immediately jumped into Santa's lap and started rapidly naming various random objects they wanted for Christmas. When they finally let up, it left Santa in a daze.

"It may take up to 24 hours to process your request," he said, stumbling. "Please contact your web administrator for more information." He fainted.

"Wait a minute," said Sword. "Who is that other kid?"

"This is my brother, Jimmy," said Samantha. "He almost always helps out in a fight."

"Hi," said Jimmy, waving shyly.

"That's not fair!" said Sword.

"What?" said Samantha. "If you can have a group of five, surely I can have a group of two."

"You've made your point," said Sword, "but mine is sharper!" He approached the pair. "Don't play with sharp objects, kiddies!" he said, preparing to swing. But when he did, the youngsters simply jumped over him. "Eh...?" He continued to slash, but they easily dodged the attacks. Finally, Sword tried a forward vertical slash with all his might, but the kids went to either side, grabbed Sword by the handle, and threw him into the rock wall, where he got stuck. "Ow..."

"I'll handle this," said Gus. "I can scare little kids like these easily!" He disappeared. Samantha and Jimmy were standing and waiting. Suddenly, Gus appeared right in front of them and made the scariest face possible while saying "Boo!!" Neither of them were scared. But then Jimmy stepped forward. He cleared his throat. Then all of a sudden, he grew twice the size of Gus, making a strange demonic face and in a deep and menacing voice booed back. This probably would've scared a grown man out of his skin. As for gus, it sent him flying back into the wall. He bounced off and ended up unconcious.

"Well I guess it's up to me," said Alex. First off, she created a giant wave of water. It crashed down on the foes, but they ended up suddenly in bathing suits and surfing the waves. Then, she attacked with a strong gust of wind, but they were now hanging onto lamp posts that were suddenly there. Next, she tried an earthquake attack, but the children sprouted wings and flew above the cracks. Furious, Alex summoned a wave of fire. The enemies pulled out a couple of mirror shields that looked a lot like Link's, and deflected the attack back at her. She fell down, again, unconcious.

"Hmm, looks like that took about five minutes," said Samantha, looking at a watch. "I guess he just wasn't worthy of being the King of Wiggin Specialists."

"Well guess again!"

This voice belonged to none other than Don Patch, who was standing up again, in a fighting pose, hardly beat up. "I don't lose that easily! In fact, there's no way I can lose because I am the almighty Sun King and cannot be defeated!"

"What, does that mean you're King Louis the XIV?" said Sword from his new rocky home.

"Actually, I am!" said Don, suddenly in a royal French outfit from the 1600's. "You are now witnessing one of my strongest attacks! Now tremble before your conquerer!"

"What can you do to me like that?" said Samantha.

"I'll show you!" said Don. "Slaves!" He summoned Alex, Gus, and Santa who were all waking up. "Build me a versatile palace!"

"Don't you mean 'Versailles'?" said Sword.

"No, I mean 'versatile'! Now get to it!"

The three, without question, immediately began building a massive palace that looked just like the palace of Versailles...except with wheels!

"You weren't kidding!!" said Sword.

Don immediately jumped into the palace and forced it to run over Samantha and Jimmy. They were nearly crushed by the immense weight of the palace, but remained fairly unharmed. The two prepared for a counterattack. "Fist of the Innocent-"

"JIMMY!!!!" shouted a womanly voice from out of the arena. "You're late for your bath!"

"Aw, but mom!" he said. "I'm helping my sister fight an orange sun-thing, a witch, a ghost, a sword, and Santa Claus!"

His mother, a menacing-looking overweight housewife, rushed into the circle. "I don't care if you're fighting the Devil, if you need to get clean you better get clean!" She grabbed Jimmy by the ear and dragged him out of the arena, flailing like a fish out of water.

"Awwww," said his sister, "I guess I'm alone again..." She ignored the previous turn of events (and Don Patch's histerical laughter) and assumed the pose from earlier. "Fist of the Innocent Youth, Marble Shooting Marathon!" She began to launch huge marbles of various colors at Don and his party. They were coming too fast for the others to dodge, but Don was now dressed like a ballarina and avoiding the marbles with his ballet moves.

"Ol' Louis was quite the ballet dancer," said Don as the last few marbles whizzed past him. Immediately, he danced up to Samantha and high-kicked her in the face.

"Argh...You're quite the fighter," said Samantha, "but I still have a few more tricks!" She got back up. "Fist of the Innocent Youth, Bouncy Ball Bonanza!" A ton of huge bouncy balls appeared and began to bounce at Don.

"Again with the normally small round objects," he said. "Tsk tsk tsk. I'll take care of them easily! French Three Estates Attack! Third Estate!" Many, many, many poor people, beggars, etc. appeared around Don and took most of the hits from the bouncy balls. But most of the balls re-oriented themselves to hit Don in the middle of the crowd. This made the rest of the poor people disappear. And the balls kept on coming. "Ow..." he mumbled, rubbing his head, where a large bruise had appeared. "I guess the Third Estate was not good enough. Typical. Time for the Second Estate!" He suddenly had on a suit of armor and a sword (not Phantom Sword this time, or Jelly Jiggler) and charged at Samantha while deflecting balls with his sword, which in turn bounced all around the arena, many of them hitting his teammates. "And finally..." said Don as he knocked the last ball out of the way and approached the girl, "The First Estate!"

Don stopped charging. A large church building suddenly erupted from the ground directly underneath Samantha, who got kabobbed by the pointy top and flung into the sky. She fell down, but got back up. "Ugh...is that...the best you got?" she said. She looked severely weakened.

"Not quite," said Don. "But here comes something almost as good! 72-Year Reign!!"

A lot of giant number 7's and 2's started falling from the sky and falling at Samantha. She easily dodged them by moving left and right. Eventually, the "reign" stopped for a few seconds, and after the moment of silence, a huge number 5 fell down and crushed her. She barely rolled the 5 off of her, and was wobbling as she stood.

"And now for the final attack!" said Don. "L'etat, c'est moi!"

"That translates to 'I am the state' for those of you who don't know French," said Santa.

A shadow appeared under Samantha, getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and...well, you get the point. Finally, whatever object was falling crushed her. It turned out to be Don Patch, in the shape of the country of France!

"Wait a minute, France is a country, not a state!" said Sword.

"Yes it is, it's a state of matter!" said Santa.

"Oh yeah, well I state that you don't matter!" said Sword as he swung at Santa, who moved out of the way, thus starting a cartoony fight-cloud-scene.

"Guys, stop fighting," said Don, who had returned to normal. "I defeated Samantha." He pointed to the little girl, who was apparently unconcious. A random 1-up mushroom fell from nowhere and revived her.

"Wow," she said, "You are pretty good! Here's your prize:" She handed Don Patch a wig. "Put this on, and you'll look just like me!"

"How is THAT helpful?" said Sword.

"Oh, you'll find out when the time comes," said Samantha.

Don accepted the wig and put it on. With a POOF, he suddenly had the exact appearance of Samantha. "Neato!" he said in the fourth Wiggin Trainer's voice. He took it off again and poofed to normal. "I can already see the use of this!"

Suddenly, (Dang, I use that word too often! Anyone know any synonyms?) the cave began to shake. Rocks fell from the ceiling. Slimes were panicking and running around in circles. Cracks appeared in the floors.

"Uh oh," said Samantha, "Looks like the cave is collapsing again. You guys better skidaddle!"

Well, I don't want to go into the whole story of how they escaped from the castle, so I'll just summarize. The hole to the top floor had been plugged up, so they took an alternate route through a passageway of lava where Don nearly burned his brows off, and they encountered a dead end with a small panel, on which the heroes stepped and were teleported out of the cave.

"Yeah! We made it!" said Don. Immediately, he collapsed. "Argh... My King Louis XIV transformation really took a lot out of me... plus the lava..."

"Looks like you barely made it out of that battle," said Alex. "I don't think you can beat the next Wiggin Trainer like that without a true Fist technique. I mean, even Jelly Jiggler has one! You can't go without it forever! Luckily, I know of a place where you can probably learn a technique just for poprocks like you. We just have to go down that path over there and--hey, are you sleeping?!?"

Don was sound asleep. He slowly woke up. "...Eh? Did I miss something?"

"...Just never mind and come with me," said Alex. "We need to get you some training!"

"I totally agree," said Don Patch as he was being dragged by Alex, the rest of the gang trying to catch up. "I need some training. After all, the real star of the show can never have enough power. But I request to know, where are we going? And why so suddenly?"

"Well," said Alex, "I just remembered of the place. And I also remembered the rest of us can get some decent training as well. And I'm just so excited about becoming more powerful!"

"Me too, but you don't have to drag me by the arm. And you didn't answer the question: where are we going?"

"I'll tell you when we get there."

Don became really jumpy. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"No, not yet, and stop asking that question! Do you even WANT to get there?"

"Yeah but I wanna get there NOW!"

"Just be patient!"

The two had stopped to argue. Everyone else was able to catch up with them.

"Quit going so fast!" said Phantom Sword. "You do realize we also seek training? So how are we suppose to get it if you don't give me a chance to follow you there!"

"I'm sorry..." said Alex. "I guess I'm just too excited about this training."

"Why don't we just take it calm and walk the rest of the way?" said Santa. So they did.

It was a fairly straight road, the sky was clear, the grass was plain and treeless. But for no apparent reason there was a wall in the middle of the road.

"There's a big wall in the way!" said Don. "I'll dig through it! Patch Mole!" He transformed into a mole-looking creature. He tried to dig through the wall, but bumped against it and immediately turned back to normal, holding his head in pain. "Fine, I'll blast it down! Patch Bomb!" His arms and legs retracted into his body and a fuse sprouted from his head. His eyes lit up with the numbers in a countdown as a large voice read them aloud.

"5!" he said, beginning to charge up power. "4!" He turned red. "3!" He began to flash. "2!" He was shaking wildly.

"Um, Don, I have an idea," interrupted Ghosty Gus.

"What is it, Gus?" said Don, all effects null, and his eyes now reading the words "PAUSE".

"How about we just walk around it?" he suggested, indicating the edge of the wall and the road clearly visible on the other side.

There was a dark background as nearly everyone had a sweatdrop on their faces.

"That's a great idea! You're so clever Gus!" said Don, suddenly in normal form again and walking around the wall as if nothing else had happened.

As soon as they went around the wall, there were now a ton of random brick walls all over the place.

"OH NOES! What do we do now? There's too many of them! We'll never make it to our destination! We'll all be trapped and die of starvation in two days! Then several thousand years later some futuristic archeologist will dig up our bones and cook them in his stew for dinner!" screamed Don, running around in worry.

"Quit overreacting," said Gus. "We can just walk around these too."

"Wow, Gus, you're the smartest person in the world! I never would've thought of that!" he said, walking around more walls.

Eventually, they found one wall on each side of the road, leaving a gap in between. Don had learned from his past mistakes and instead of panicking or trying to blast through the walls, just went in between them. But for some strange reason, he bumped into an invisible wall.

"What?" said Don. "Invisible wall?!? Fine, I'll just go around the other way." He ended up navigating a labyrinth of brick walls, but no matter which way he walked around, he found himself at a dead end. "Oh no! There's no way around!"

"I have an idea," said Santa. He pointed at a well behind them. "Jump in this well."

"How is that going to help?" said Gus.

"Ok." said Don. He jumped in the well.

Nothing happened for a while. Then, Don's voice was heard behind them. They looked around and saw him on the other side of the invisible wall.

"How did you get over there?!" said Gus.

"I don't know," said Don. "I fell down the well, and the next thing I knew I was standing on the other side of the wall."

"Well, if it works, try it!" said Gus, as he and the others jumped in the well and were also teleported to the other side. Except Don was now colored green and had spirals in his eyes.

"░▒▓!" said the green Don Patch.

"WHERE DID YOU COME FROM???" said the real Don as he kicked the fake Don into oblivion. "You Don Patch wannabe! If I see anyone else copying me like that I'm dropping the nuke!"

"Well, you might wanna take a look at this..." said Sword.

Don stared in shock and awe at what was lying before them. It was a village, but not just any village. There were "Don Patch Wannabes" of many different colors and sizes wandering around, chatting, and doing various run-of-the-mill things. In the center of the village was a large and intimidating dojo-type building.

"This," said Alex, "is the Patch Village."

"Wow..." said Don. "I didn't think I would become so popular..."

"It's not you," said Alex. "This is an entire race. And you are one of them."

"But... I don't remember this place..."

"Well, that's not my problem. Now anyway, this large dojo is home to one of the greatest Wiggin masters in the world: a purple Patch by the name of Skatman. He'll increase your greatness by at least ten times."

"Let's go!" said Don. "I gotta see this guy for myself!"

So the gang approached the giant doors of the dojo and opened them slowly. Inside were many Patches (most of them red or purple) sparring with each other. In the middle was a purple Patch with sunglasses. He was supervising the fighting.

"You're weak on your guard," he said, watching a red Patch get beat down continuously by another red Patch. "You need to move more," he said to another fighter. "Stop goofing around!" he shouted at a foursome of Patches playing cards. Then he approached the entrance where Don and the others were observing. He stopped and stared. "D-D-Don?" he said, looking shocked. "Is that...really you?"

"Yeah, that's me," Don replied. "But how did you know my name?"

"You've been gone so long you must've lost your memory!" said the other Patch. "Remember? I'm Skatman! The leader and strongest of the Patches!"

"I don't recall," said Don. "I don't remember this village at all, and I never even considered there being a whole race of people just like me!"

"Then I've got a lot of reminding to do," said Skatman. "I'll start with Patches. We are a race of many emotions. Our color determines what our personality is. White is neutral. Yellow is optimistic. Blue is pessimistic. Red is with high temper. Green is confused. Purple is powerful. Light blue is loyal. Black is evil. And finally orange, like you, is determined. Now, the way a Patch reproduces is somewhat different from humans. Every Patch has the genetics to code for both genders. This is why we switch back and forth at random."

"That explains my cross-dressing habits," said Don.

"Exactly. And because of this, Patches do not need a partner to reproduce. However, without a partner, they will all end up the same color as the parent. With a partner, the color of the children can be the same as one of the parents, or a mix of the two. And they can reproduce after only 5 years. 5 years and they can multiply as much as they want throughout their 100-year life."

"But wouldn't a village get overpopulated?"

"Not exactly. Most Patches leave the village after about 5 years to find a living of their own. And that's what you did."

"I was only 5 when I left this village? No wonder I can't remember a thing!"

"Now, about where you went, I've heard about it from many others. You started on a journey to become stronger because of your orange personality. Shortly after, you knew that you couldn't get far alone. That's when you started the Wiggin Group. It was the best you could do, this group being composed mainly of your own children. Soon after the birth of the Wiggin Group, you found its purpose: to destroy the Margarita Empire. After a while, you mistook Bo-bobo for a member of the Wig Gang and you fought him in a wiggin match (which you shamefully lost). Thinking about your loss, you realized how powerful Bo-bobo was, and thought that if you joined him, you would also become more powerful. So you went along with him, and you became stronger even by being in his presence. Then, over time, as Bo-bobo began to also show his own improvements, you became jealous and dubbed yourself the real star of the show, which everyone seemed to ignore. And recently, you got so fed up with it that you decided to go solo once again and find a new way of proving your superiority."

"You're right!" said Don. "It's all coming back to me! But that paragraph seemed short...and rushed..."

"Well, that was the short version. To you want to hear the full version?"

"No way! That will take up at least 5 chapters!"

"Thought so. Now, you came here to seek training, correct? As did your friends?"

Everyone gave agreeing remarks.

"Good. Don, come with me. As for the rest of you..." Skatman pulled out a large whistle and blew on it. "All right trainees, you have a new challenge. I have here four potentially powerful fighters, and they are in need of training. This is a test of your abilities to apply what you've learned and teach it to others. We need one Patch for each person. Who is up for the challenge?"

Four Patches, one yellow, one blue, one red, and one white, stepped forward. "We will accept this challenge!"

"Good," said Skatman. "Find a partner and begin training at any time. Now Don, follow me."

Skatman lead Don into a separate, empty room. "This is where we will train."

"All right!" said Don. "Now let's get a move on! Let's go, I'm not getting any younger! I don't have all day, ya know!"

"Patience," said Skatman. "I will first explain to you what you will be learning. All this time you've been out fighting Hair Hunters and you never had the proper training, namely a Fist technique. I will teach you a sacred skill known only to the most powerful Patches. It the Fist of the Shining Star."

“Fist of the shining star, eh?” said Don Patch, eagerly waiting his instruction.

“Yes. It is a very powerful attack that utilizes the power of light,” explained Skatman. “Light can be focused into many forms. These forms can perform many tasks, whether they be for power, assistance, defense, and just about anything else. This is why this technique is so powerful and sacred.”

“Powerful… Sacred…” mumbled Don as he retraced the words in his mind. “Am I really ready to learn this?”

Skatman hesitated a moment. “Actually, no. I almost forgot that you needed to take some tests first and prove your worthiness. Thanks for reminding me.”

“Darn it… I really need to keep these thoughts to myself!”

“What was that?”

“Um, I said so when are we gonna begin the tests?”

“Right now. There are three challenges you need to overcome to prove yourself. This is the first…”


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Meanwhile, Santa Claus and his trainer, the white Patch, entered a training room of their own.

“I am White Patch, your trainer. I notice you have a lot of defensive potential,” he said, staring at Santa’s belly. “I will teach you how to effectively endure many attacks by shifting your weight to guard the attack. In essence, my training will give you full control of your ‘extra material’.”

“Are you calling me fat?” asked Santa angrily.

“Well…yes,” said White in a neutral tone.

“Well, thanks for the compliment!” said Santa in his usual jolly manner. “Anyway, that training sounds ho-tastic! What do I do first?”

“The easiest and fastest way to train defensively is to…be a slob!!”

White snapped his fingers and the two of them appeared in a large living room with a wide-screen TV, a comfortable reclining chair, and a hug refrigerator from which hundreds of waiters came with plates of various foods. Santa stared in awe. “I’ll love this training!” he said, wasting no time in sitting down in the chair, accepting the first dish, and picking up the remote to turn on the TV.


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“Your first challenge is to rescue the Princess,” said Skat, as he and Don approached a castle with outdated yet classic graphics.

“Yay!” said Don as he entered the castle and became an 8-bit sprite.

Don began to run and jump through the castle, avoiding lava and firewalls and collecting coins. He eventually came up to a glowing “?” block, which made him curious. He hit the block from underneath and a green onion came out of it, which he collected promptly. To his surprise, it doubled his height! Feeling more confident, he ran and jumped some more, dodging more hazardous objects until he came to a bridge over a pool of lava. Standing on the opposite side guarding an axe was Bowser.

“Think you can get past me?” said Bowser.

“Hey!” shouted Don. “You’re 8-bit; you’re not supposed to talk!”

“Oh, right. In that case, RAAAAWR!”

“You’re not supposed to RAWR either!”

“Hey, it’s been a while since I did this! I’ve gotten so used to the 3D games… Ok, it’s coming back to me now…” He began to hop around and occasionally blow fire at Don, without saying a word or making a sound.

“I get it! I can dodge his flames and touch the axe and the bridge will fall down!” Don jumped over his flames and over his head to reach the axe on the other side. He touched it. “OW! Sharp! Pointy!”

The bridge collapsed, the speechless Bowser fell into the lava, and some emotional ending music began to play.

“Yeah!” said Don as he continued on and found the Princess. When the Princess saw him come in, she became delighted.

“Oh, thank you Mar-“ She began to say, but froze, realizing that her hero was actually an orange spiky sun. “Wait, you’re not Mario!!”

“So?” said Don.

“I’m waiting for Mario!” shouted Peach. “Go away and let Mario rescue me!”

“No way! I’m supposed to rescue you and you’re coming with me whether you like it or not!” He picked her up as she started to scream.

“That was strange,” said Mario, coming into the room. “The bridge was already—HEY PUT HER DOWN!!” he screeched, noticing an orange spiky sun carrying his princess.

“Since when dows Mario talk?” said Don.

“Um…never?” replied Mario, embarrassed.

“Exactly! You’ve just broken the Law of Video Games #123,498,204! The main character of any game is not supposed to talk! Now face your punishment!” Don hit a home run with his Don Patch Sword.

“Waaaaaaaah!” said Mario as he crashed through the roof and flew into orbit.

“Congratulations!” said Skatman as the scene went back to normal. “You just completed challenge 1! Your next challenge is a measure of your ability to think quickly!”


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Ghosty Gus and the blue Patch were sitting in another room.

“I am Blue Patch,” he said, his voice sounding depressed. “I will train you in the art of stealth and agility. But what’s the point…”

“As in, for example, how to sneak around my enemy and dodge attacks?” inquired Gus.

“Yeah, pretty much,” sighed Blue. “Now let’s get this over with.”

“Ok, well, what am I doing?”

“In my miserable experience, the best way to train agility is a pointless techno dance session.”

“DANCE???” said Gus. “Why dance?”

“I’m not sure either, but I’ve been told it keeps you fast on your feet. Now to start the boring music…” Blue turned on a stereo, which immediately played an up-beat techno dance mix. “Dance, you’ve got nothing better to do anyway…”

Gus, without question, started to dance to the beat as it gradually got faster and faster.


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“Escape from this room,” said Skatman as the room became rather small and the doors and windows disappeared.

“This is it?” said Don. “I can easily escape this!”

“Oh, almost forgot!” said Skat. He flipped a switch and the room began to fill with water. Skat vanished. “Think quickly or you’ll drown!”

Don was panicking. “Uh… Uh… AHA! If I can figure out where this water is coming from, maybe I can find a way to shut it off!”

He began to look around the room. There were walls, a floor, a ceiling, some water, and a hole in the wall where for some odd reason Bo-bobo’s head was sticking out with his mouth wide open, water pouring out into the room.

“Hey Bo-bobo!” said Don. “Can you help me? I’m trying to figure out where all this water is coming from.”

“Hmm…” said Bo-bobo. “Maybe you should ask that rain cloud,” he said, pointing to a cloud in the corner.

Don swam to the corner near the cloud. “Hey, Mr. Raincloud! How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”

“123,498,204,” said the cloud.

“Hmm… One,” he said, licking the wall. “Two, three, four, five…” He was continuing the action as he counted his licks. He eventually got to 123,498,204, and by then, he had licked a hole through the wall.

"Cool! He was right!" said Don as he escaped through the hole in the wall.

"Very good," said Skatman. "But you still have one test to accomplish."


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Phantom Sword marched into yet another training room with the red Patch.

“Ok, listen up!” said the Patch. “I’m Red Patch, your trainer! I am the master of offensive battling! You came here to train because you are weak and insignificant! But with my training, you can become a powerful fighter in no time! All you have to do is listen to everything I say and don’t slack off! You got that?”

“Yeah,” said Sword.

“Good. Now show me what you got. Slice through this block!” Red pointed to a large metal block.

“A metal block?? How sharp do you expect me to be?”

“Sharp enough to hold your own in the heat of battle!”

“Fine…” Sword sliced himself at the block of metal, putting a reasonable dent in it but nothing more.

“You call yourself a sword?!” said Red angrily. “That was pathetic! You’re so dull you couldn’t slice through butter! Go harder! Faster! Hack through that thing!”

Sword helplessly continued to hack away at the block of metal, enlarging the dent but never cutting through it.


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“Here is your final challenge,” said Skatman. “Take this rock” (he indicated a huge and heavy-looking rock) “and crush him.”

Skatman pointed to who else but Jelly Jiggler, who was sitting on a stump outside and licking a Tootsie Pop.

“How many licks DOES it take?” questioned Jelly to himself. “Hmm…” Then, he froze, the lollipop halfway to his mouth. “What’s going on? My Jelly-is-about-to-get-tortured senses are tingling!”

“Come here, blue man!” said Don Patch, carrying (and struggling with) the enormous boulder.

“AAAAH!!!” Jelly screamed at the sight of the boulder and the menacing look on Don’s face, and immediately ran away, dropping his Tootsie Pop in the grass. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know…

“Man, I can’t chase him carrying this thing…” said Don. “But wait…Maybe Jelly will continue running because he’s too dumb to look behind him and check if there’s anyone following him, so eventually he’ll go all the way around the world and end up back here, running towards me, and then I can hit him!”

While he was talking, Jelly passed him in the background, still running and screaming.

“Darn it! I missed him! I’ll just put down the rock and rest my arms while I wait…” Don set the rock down as he started to think of a better way to hit him. But his thoughts were interrupted when he saw Jelly on his third lap from nowhere, and he was going too fast to notice he had just crashed headfirst into the rock. He fell unconscious.

“Well, um, that counts…” said Skat. “You passed the third test!”

“YAY!!” said Don. “Now teach me how to use the Fist!”


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“Hello!” said the yellow Patch to his trainee Alex.

“Um, hi,” she answered.

“I’m Yellow Patch and I’ll be your instructor! It’s such a nice day out, isn’t it?”

Alex looked out the window and saw various natural disasters plaguing the village. “Yeah, a really nice day,” she said sarcastically.

“I’m here to give you increased knowledge on the wonderful world of magic! Whee!”

Great, thought Alex. I get the overly-enthusiastic one.

“Now, as you should already know, Magic is a power that comes directly from the spirit. The stronger the spirit, the stronger the magic power.”

“So, Mr. Happy, how do I improve my spirit?”

“Well, since spirit is based off of emotion, that’s what you need to work on! So smile! And make it a big one!”

This is so dumb, thought Alex as she showed a weak smile.

“Come on, that’s lousy! Smile like you’ve never smiled before!”

Alex groaned and smiled some more.


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“First, a demonstration,” said Skat, as a few young turquoise Patches brought a dummy of Jelly Jiggler to him. “Watch closely now. Fist of the Shining Star!” Skatman began to glow a bright purple. “Hyper Beam of Light!” He thrust his palms outward and a bright purple beam of blinding light emerged, decimating the dummy.

“Whoa!” said Don.

“Now you try,” said Skat. “Do what I did. But make it personal.”

“Right. Fist of the Shining Star!” Don assumed a similar pose as he felt a peculiar energy channel through him. It showed through as a light orange aura. “Don Patch Beam!” A beam of light formed from his palms like Skatman did, only orange. The beam of light zipped through the air, burned a hole in another Jelly dummy, and continued forward, cutting through various trees in the distance and still going. Don began to cry.

“What’s wrong? That was an excellently executed maneuver!” said Skatman.

“But there was no explosion!” said Don between sobs.

Skatman sighed. “Don, everyone’s fist is unique to the person, even between two people using the same Fist. Yours didn’t explode, but it still did a large amount of damage-“

“YAY!! I’M SO AWESOME!!” said Don, suddenly cheering up. “I performed the Fist on my first try!”

“Well…Good job, Don! I assume you’ve had experience from watching Bo-bobo’s Fist of the Nose Hair, plus the power you gained from your travels, so you’re naturally a…natural.”

“Now I can so totally pwn the next Wiggin Trainer!”

Just then, Santa, Gus, Sword, and Alex came out of their training areas.

“What intense training,” said Sword. He looked worn out, but sharper than ever.

“I can’t feel my legs,” said Gus. He was drooping lower than usual.

“I can’t feel my face,” said Alex. She had stretch marks all over her cheeks.

“It wasn’t so bad,” said Santa. He looked happier and plumper than before. Everyone looked at him.

“Well guys, we got what we came here for!” said Don. “Now, Skatman, where is the next Wiggin Trainer?”

“You’ll find him in the swamp north of this village,” said Skatman, pointing to a road. “But be warned—there is a terrible monster that lives in that swamp. You will all need to utilize your new abilities to overcome this challenge.”

“I’m ready for anything!” said Don. “Let’s go already!” He ran down the path.

“Wait for us!” said Alex, as she and the others tried to catch up.

“You’ve got a lot of potential, Don Patch,” said Skatman, once they left, “But I can’t let you become better than Bo-bobo…”

After traveling on a somewhat long, somewhat short path, Don Patch and his allies arrive at the swamp.

“I don’t like the looks of this place,” said Don, as he surveyed the swamp. The water was murky and dark, with various bubbling-

“Hey Narrator!” said Sword. “Are you trying to be all ‘descriptive’ and ‘spicy’ again?”

What? Can’t I try to be entertaining once in a while? I mean come on, you guys get all the attention and everyone keeps ignoring-

“This swamp isn’t so bad,” said Gus.

“Easy for you to say,” said Alex. “You’re a ghost.”

While Alex and Gus were talking, a figure started to emerge from the swampy water. The lump got bigger and bigger as it towered higher and higher over our heroes. Don was the first to notice it.

“Hi swamp monster person!” said Don, waving at the monster as it began to walk onto land. As it walked, more and more water and swamp gunk dripped off of it, eventually revealing… Jelly Jiggler!

“I am the monster of the swamp!” said Jelly, in the most menacing voice he could muster. “And I shall not let you pass!”

The sound of crickets chirping killed the silence.

“Ok, fine, so I’m not the monster of the swamp,” said Jelly in embarrassment. “I just wanted to try and scare you…” He looked up with anger. “But I still will not let you pass! I’ve been watching you, Don Patch, all throughout your journey. I noticed that all of your triumphs are purely by luck. You don’t deserve to be the King of Wiggin Specialists! I challenged the first four Wiggin Trainers and won easily, with skill and talent. Now we shall duel and see who is really deserving of that title!” When he finished, he saw that Don was playing cards with Santa and Alex. “Were you even listening to me?!?” said Jelly, popping his eyes out like we’ve seen so many times.

“Yeah, I heard you,” said Don. “I can multi-task. Jelly, you exist only as a comedy relief. You can’t be the King.”

“Well, why don’t you fight me and prove it?” said Jelly.

Don put his cards down calmly and stood up. “Fine, I’m game,” he said. “Got nothing better to do anyway.”

“Then prepare yourself for this! Fist of Wobble-Wobble! Ultimate Jelly Destruction Cannon!” Jelly morphed into a powerful-looking cannon. “This move is a showing of my true ability!”

Don stood still as he watched a glowing beam charge inside the cannon. The charge beam became really big and potent-looking. It fired and hit Don directly, still standing perfectly still. Everyone cringed at the sight of the impact. But when the dust cleared, Don was still standing in the exact same position and pose, as if the beam hadn’t been fired at all.

“That all?” said Don.

“WHAAAAAA?!?” screamed Jelly.

“You wanna see a real attack? How about this! Fist of the Shining Star! Unleash the power of the sun!” Don was glowing with an incredible light. When it faded, he appeared in the shape of the letter ‘D’. From the center of the D fired a beam of pure light energy, practically melting Jelly upon contact.

“I’m melllllllting!” said Jelly as he was reduced to a blue puddle. “We’ll meet again, Don Patch, and next time you won’t be so lucky!” he gurgled.

“Jelly is such a wannabe,” said Alex.

“Tell me about it,” said Gus. “In fact, just the other day…”

While Alex and Gus were talking, a figure started to emerge from the swampy water. The lump got bigger and bigger as it towered higher and higher over our heroes. Don was the first to notice it.

“Hi swamp monster person!” said Don, waving at the monster as it began to walk onto land. As it walked, more and more water and swamp gunk dripped off of it, eventually revealing… some guy with pure white skin and a turnip for a head!

“I am the real monster of the swamp!” said the turnip-head. “And I shall not let you pass!”

The sound of crickets chirping killed the silence. Again.

“Shut up, crickets!” said Don with a giant hammer, chasing down the bugs. “You’re ruining the story!”

“Well, actually, there is no swamp monster,” said the turnip-head. “But I can tell you this: I am the fifth Wiggin Trainer: Turnip-Head!”

“All right!” said Don. “Finally I get to face the fifth Trainer!”

“Not so fast,” said Turnip-head. “You must first prove that you’re up to speed with the Wiggin Trainers. And the best way to do that is…a race!”

“Heh, I could beat a vegetable in a race any day.”

“Not me, oh no. Your opponent is much faster. Presenting…” Turnip indicated a shadow behind a curtain. “…The fastest thing alive!”

The curtain opened, revealing none other than…

“DENGAKU MAN?!?!?” said Sword, popping some non-existent eyes.

“WHAT?!?” followed Turnip.

“Um, Sonic couldn’t be here today, so I’m his substitute!” said Dengaku Man, with his usual cute smile.

Don laughed. “So I’m racing him? This’ll be a snap!”

“Don’t get too confident, Patch! I’m pretty fast myself!”

“We’ll see about that!”

“All right,” said Turnip. “The rules are simple. It is a footrace once around the swamp. First one to cross the finish wins. Line up at the starting line…” The two contenders did as told. “Now, on your mark… get set… GO!!” Turnip shot in the air with a carrot.

As soon as he heard the signal, Dengaku Man sped off into the distance, leaving Don in the dust. He couldn’t believe how fast the little tofu man went. He immediately chased after at about half-speed.

“Aw man, I shouldn’t have underestimated him!” said Don, panting, running, and trying to catch up. “Now there’s no way I can win! Unless…” He snapped his fingers. “I know what to do! Fist of the Shining Star!” He began to glow white as he was running. “Pessimist transformation!” Don’s white aura turned blue as it spread to his own body, changing it from orange to a medium blue. He suddenly began to run much faster. “I am Donic the Patch-hog!” he exclaimed.

“BWAH?!?” shouted Sword.

“Phantom,” said Gus. “Why do you always freak out like that? You act too much like Beauty.”

“Well, she isn’t here, so someone has to. And I just thought it didn’t seem right without someone to gawk at the occasional wig-out.”

“I’m gonna win!” shouted Dengaku Man, nearing the home stretch. Suddenly, he heard a zooming noise from behind him. “What’s that noise?” he said, looking back just in time to see “Donic” run him over, leaving him face-down in the mud.

Don crossed the finish line, and struck a victory pose. “Oh yeah!” he said, turning back to orange. “I am awesome!”

“Wow,” said Turnip. “I didn’t think you could actually pull that one off. Well, that’s what I would’ve said if you were actually racing Sonic. You’re really lucky he didn’t show up today, you know that?”

“I probably could’ve beat him,” said Don.

“Fat chance!” said Sword.

“Did someone call?” said Santa, sinking his teeth into an oversized chicken leg and carrying a whole bag of them in his other hand.

“Eh…” Turnip said, trying to ignore that last bit. “Either way, you’ve earned the right to challenge me. Are you ready?”

“Bring it on, legumbre!” said Don.

“Before we begin,” said Turnip, “I noticed there are four people with you. Know what that means?”

“Lemme guess,” said Santa, “We can’t help Don in the battle…”

“Actually, no. It means I get to being out the Vegetable Gang!”

“Vegetable Gang?” said Don.

“That’s right! Come on out guys!”

From behind a tree and some bushes came three more veggie-headed people: one with a cob of corn, a potato, and a tomato.

“We’ll cobble you!” said the Corn-Head.

“We’ll skin you alive!” said the Potato-Head.

“And then we’ll cover you in ketchup!” said the Tomato-Head.

“Wait a minute,” said Sword. “Aren’t tomatoes fruits?”

“Technically yes,” whispered Tomato to Sword, “but they don’t know that…”

“Are we gonna start yet?” asked Don impatiently.

“Our pleasure!” said Turnip, getting into formation with the other vegetables. “Fist of the Vegetable!” they all shouted. “Produce Plummet!” The four formed a wheel and ran over Don and the others.

“Ow,” Said Don, getting up. “You’ll pay for that. Fist of the Shining Star! Wii Attack!”

Don froze. Then he started crying.

“I couldn’t get a Wii for this attack because the stores were all out again… so I had to get this stupid Xbox 360!” He threw the hated console at Turnip-Head, which exploded on impact.

While Don was preparing and utilizing his attack, Tomato and Potato snuck up behind him.

“Fist of the Vegetable! French Fries and Ketchup!” They both pulled out long French fries dipped in ketchup and started repeatedly whacking Don with them. He fell over.

Santa was sweating. “Too…much… FOOD!!!” he shouted, pulling out some silverware as Gus turned on a radio that started playing Weird Al’s “Eat It”. Santa chased after the vegetables, stabbing and biting their heads.

As soon as Santa had his fill, and the veggies were stunned, Alex exploited a weakness. “They’re plants, so they’re weak to fire,” she said to herself, charging a fireball and launching it at the foursome. It exploded in a burst of flames.

At first, it looked like Turnip’s team just got owned. But when the smoke from the fireball cleared, the veggies were still standing, unharmed. Somehow, even the bite marks were removed.

“You’ll have to do better than that to defeat us!” said Turnip. The four gathered again. “Fist of the Vegetable! Victory Garden!” The ground began to shake. A ton of plants, trees, and vegetables sprouted from the ground, sending Don’s quintet into the sky.

“I think I know our problem,” said Don just as they hit the ground.

“What?” said Gus.

“We’re all attacking individually. We need to combine our strength and attack as one.”

“You mean…?” said Sword.

“Yep.”

“Hehehe! Do you give up yet?” said Corn.

“Not yet!” said Don, as he and his friends sprang to their feet.

“What?” said the veggies.

“Fist of the Shining Star!” said Don, as he joined hands with his cohorts. “Five-Friend Fusion!”

There was a pop, and in place of the five, there was a sumo wrestler.

“That was rather un-dramatic,” said the sumo.

“A SUMO WRESTLER?!?” shouted the Veggie Gang.

“Yes, a sumo wrestler. The combination of strength, defense, agility, magic and solar power.”

“B-but how could you pull off a five person fusion?” said Turnip.

“Our energy is held together by the strong bond of friendship! Thus creating… Dontom Clauslexgus! And now, I will eliminate you!”

Dontom drew a blade that looked surprisingly like Phantom Sword, and charged at Turnip, who was frozen in fear. As soon as he was about to collide, there was a purple flash, and Dontom found himself charging into a wall. He couldn’t stop himself and crashed, breaking the fusion bond and reverting everyone back to their normal selves.

“What the heck just happened?” said Gus as he struggled to his feet…or whatever he had.

Don got up. “The Five-Friend Fusion is very unstable, so it can shatter like glass. Looks like we have to beat them up with old-fashioned team moves!”

“Like what?” asked Sword.

“Like…the Jelly Jiggler Magnum!” said Don, pulling Jelly Jiggler out of nowhere and preparing to punch. But just before he did, Bo-bobo appeared also out of nowhere and slapped him in the face. “You can’t do that! I got a copyright on that move!”

“Ok, I guess I’ll just have to do a Santa Claus Magnum instead!” he said, charging at Santa.

“Ho?” He turned around and saw Don coming at him, wielding his fist. “HOOOOO!!!!!!!”

“Keep your hat on, I was just gonna do this!” Don punched Santa’s beard, launching a large fist-sized chunk. It hit Corn with tremendous force, knocking him unconscious, and surprising the heck out of the other three veggies.

“That’s it you, I’ve had it!” shouted Turnip, unifying the remaining vegetables. “Fist of the Vegetable! Tomato Tornado!”

Potato went behind Tomato and kicked him into the air. Turnip then jumped off of Potato’s head and twisted Tomato, turning him into a red tornado that headed straight for Don. Santa dove between them and blocked the attack with his belly.

“And now, I summon you, creatures of the night!” shouted Gus. In response, many zombies, pumpkin-headed ghouls, and various creepy minions burrowed out of the ground and headed for the veggies.

“Hmm, a Halloween attack, eh?” said Santa. “I can add to that! Come forth, my slaves!” Just like with Gus, many creatures burrowed out of the ground, except they were happy little elves. “Now tear these vegetables limb from limb!” Santa commanded. The elves’ eyes turned red and they displayed vicious-looking expressions as they charged at the foes as well. Potato and Tomato were no match for the onslaught of spooky and sappy soldiers.

“This isn’t over yet!” said Turnip.

“Oh, you bet it is!” said Alex, charging a fireball. But instead of hitting Turnip, she fired it at Sword, who caught fire.

“Flame blade!” shouted sword, slicing Turnip, who became cut and burnt.

“Ok… I give up…” said Turnip, as he fell over.

A bell rang. “The winner is, Team Patch!” came the voice of the announcer. The veggies got up.

“Your teamwork is extraordinary!” said Turnip. “And for that, I reward you with this! The Veggie Badge!”

A musical fanfare played.

“And now,” said Don, wearing the badge with pride, “I can use the HM move Surf outside of battle!” He was suddenly riding a wave on a surfboard. “Cowabunga!!” Then he crashed into a rock.

“Not that kind of badge!” said Turnip. “This badge will increase the wearer’s compatibility with others, allowing them to use team attacks easier.”

“Aw man, I really wanted to surf… Oh well, now, tell me where the sixth Trainer is!”

“Sorry bud, you’re gonna have to find them on your own from now on.”

“WHAAAAT?!?!?” yelled Don. “I can’t do this without knowing the general direction!”

“Calm down,” said Sword. “I think it’s not too far from here. In fact, I have a hunch where exactly this next challenge is.”

“Then, let’sa go!”

Don and the gang followed Sword away from the swamp.

After a while, Alex said “But what do you think that purple thing was that made us miss Turnip in the fusion?”

“Ah, it’s probably nothing,” said Don. “We’ll worry about that later. Next stop: uh… Wherever Sword’s going!”

"Preparing for launch!"

"Launch?" said Don. There was a giant spaceship in the middle of the swamp!

"Review mission: To explore the uncharted regions of the Sun. Ignition in 5...4...3...2...1...Blastoff!"

The rocket took off into space.

"Houston, we have liftoff!"

The rocket cruised through space, heading straight for the sun. The astronaut inside acted as if the sun was as harmless as Earth. He approached the sun, which turned out to be a giant, glowing Don Patch!

"Oh no! We're being invaded by earthlings!" said Don the Sun. "Requesting backup!"

A fleet of orange alien ships approached the rocket.

"We have resistance!" said the astronaut. "Unloading weapons!" He pressed a button and a laser gun popped out of the top of the ship.

"Oh yeah? Well ours is bigger!" said an alien. He pressed a button also, and a giant slingshot came out of the top of his ship.

"OPEN FIRE!!" they both said simultaneously as the gun shot lasers and the slingshots fired miniature Don Patches. The Dons swatted the laser strikes away and landed on the Earth ship, punching at it like Pikmin.

"Houston, we have a problem! Over." said the astronaut.

"We suggest that you abort mission and get the heck outta there! Over." said Ground Control.

"Affirmative. Retreating. Over."

The ship turned around and started heading for Earth. But one of the mini-Dons bit a hole in the hull and spat out a collection of engine parts.

"Mayday! Mayday! Engine is down! Crash is imminent!" shouted the spaceman as he nervously pressed buttons. But it did no good. The rocket sped faster and faster towards Earth's surface, shaking off the mini-Dons. It finally crash-landed in the same area of the swamp that it lifted off out of.

"It seems your launch was unsuccessful," said Don, no longer the sun. "How about joining me for mine?"

The astronaut crawled out of the burning wreckage of the spaceship, miraculously unharmed, and went over to the picnic that Don was at. He grabbed a sandwich and took a bite out of it.

"Spaceman Sam to Former Sun: This lunch is delicious. Over."

"I thought it was LAUNCH!!" shouted Sword.

"Well, that was refreshing," said Don, getting up. "NOW GO HOME!!!" He lifted the picnic blanket, sending much of what was on top of it into the helmet of the astronaut.

"Aw man, I really wanted to come with you, over," said the spaceman. He pressed a button on the side of his helmet which activated a windshield wiper to sweep off the splattered sandwiches.

"And why is that?" demanded Don.

"Because I, Spaceman Sam, am on a journey to the strangest place on the planet! And I have the feeling that if I follow you, I'll be led to it. Over."

"Hmm...OK, but only because you owe me a buck for the sandwich."

"Good, now can we get going?" said Sword, making his way quickly into a building.

"I wonder what this place is?" said Santa as he looked up at the sign. "Public Restrooms? Since when does a sword need to go to the bathroom?!?"

"No, you idiot!" came Sword's voice. "The sixth Wiggin Trainer is in here!"

"Are you sure?" said Alex.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

"Fine...I'll wait out here."

Don, Gus, Sam, and Santa followed Sword into the bathroom. It was your average bathroom, filled with stalls, sinks, and graffiti.

"So where is he?" asked Don.

"One of the stalls. Check each one."

Each of them checked one stall. They were all unoccupied.

"There appears to be nobody in these stalls, over," said Sam.

"Hmm, I coulda sworn he was in here...unless..." said Sword.

"Oh, so the Trainer's in one of the girls' stalls, right?" said Don.

"I suppose so."

"Well let's go!"

"Now hold it! We can't just barge into the girl's bathroom!"

Don thought for a moment, and suddenly had an idea. He pulled something out of his pocket. "It's the wig I got for beating Samantha!" said Don, putting it on and undergoing the transformation. "I'll go check for you, so just sit tight!" He (she?) blew a kiss and entered the girl's room. Inside, one of the stall doors was painted gold instead of the normal color of white. He entered this door and found to his surprise a large green meadow with many plants and flowers. In the middle was a couple of statues surrounding a large rock. And on that rock sat a familiar-looking man with a swirly pink head made of ice cream.

"IT'S SOFTON!!!" shouted Don.

"What? Who goes there?" said Softon, awaking from his meditation.

"It's me, your old friend Don Patch!"

"Uh..." Softon stared blankly at Don, who was still wearing the disguise. "Somehow I have a hard time believing that."

"Oh right, almost forgot." He took off the wig and transformed into his normal self.

Softon merely continued to stare. "I'd rather not ask." He snapped out of it. "So what brings you here to the Meadow of Blabsalot?"

"I seek the 6th Wiggin Trainer!"

"Hmm, then you've come to the right place. For the 6th Wiggin Trainer-"

"Wait one second," interrupted Don, "lemme summon my friends." Don Patch pulled out a book labeled "Spellcasting for Dummies" and chanted a magic spell that would open a portal bringing his pack of friends from another dimension. And when that didn't work, he opened the door and let them in. "You were saying?"

"Well as I was saying, the 6th Wiggin Trainer...is me."

"Softon is a Wiggin Trainer?!" said Don in shock. "I never knew that! Why am I always the last to know these things!"

"It said so on the back of this brochure," said Alex, holding up a brochure with various info on the Meadow of Blabsalot, and on the back it showed a picture of Softon and said "Meet the close follower of Blabsalot and the 6th Wiggin Trainer, Softon!"

"Oh."

Don Patch and Softon stare each other down.

"So, Don... Are you ready?" asked Softon.

"Ready as I'll ever be!" shouted Don.

"Right. I'll let you go first."

"RAAAH!!" Don charged at Softon with a plunger. "Time to unclog the toilet of justice!"

Softon simply stepped aside and let Don crash into a statue. "Pathetic... For someone who beat the past 5 Wiggin Trainers I'd expect a better open-ARGH!!" Don interrupted him by turning around and whacking him with the plunger.

"Why are you using a PLUNGER instead of the Don Patch Sword??" wondered Alex.

"Yeah, you got somethin' against green onions?" said the Don Patch Sword in a threatening way.

"Back off!" said the plunger. "I'M his weapon now, and nothing's gonna change that!"

"Oh yeah?" The onion cracked his knuckles.

"Yeah!" The plunger assumed a fighting stance.

"You're goin' down!" shouted the onion as the two weapons ran at each other and began fighting. Unfortunately, Softon was caught in between.

"Ow! Get them off me!" shouted Softon as he frantically tried to grab the fighting sticks, in addition to avoiding their punches which seemed to be aimed at Softon in the first place. He managed to grab both of them and threw them in a stream. "That made me angry..." He charged up power. "The Super Fist of Blabsalot! Neapolitan Burst!" A beam of energy shot out from each of three statues at Don, combining in mid-flight and creating a multi-colored beam that struck Don with blinding speed. He flew backwards into a boulder, crashing out the other side.

Don got up quickly. "We'll have none of that! Fist of the Shining Star! Wii Attack! Take 2!!" He paused for a second, then broke down in tears once more. "I still couldn't get a Wii! So I had to buy this dumb PS3!!!"

"Don Patch, how could you?!?" said Sword.

"Well...sniff... I had the money, and I needed something better than the 360... little did I know that the PS3 was actually worse!!"

"Are you gonna sit there bawling like a baby all day or are we gonna fight?" said Softon.

"Fine! But you can have this!" Don threw the PS3 at Softon, creating a very large atomic explosion on impact.

Meanwhile, in the background, the underappreciated members of Don's group were sitting on some stone steps and watching.

"How aware do you think he is that he realizes that we're not helping him in any of this fighting?" asked Alex.

"Probably as aware as he is to the fact that none of us are actually that important to the storyline and that it wouldn't make any difference if we weren't even here in the first place," replied Sword.

"Hey, you're right!" said Don. "You guys shouldn't even be here!" Then with a snap of his fingers, a black hole opened up underneath the poor minor characters that sent them to another dimension. Or at least to some point in the future.

"Can we stop messing around?" said Softon.

"Fine," said Don. "Your move."

The scene shifts suddenly to Softon and Don Patch playing chess. Softon moves a bishop into the opponent's pawn. "Check," he said with a confident grin. Don got sweaty.

"Uh...uh..." Don studdered as he attempted to find a legal and safe move for his king. He moved it further into the corner--the only possible move.

Softon promptly responded by moving his rook into the same horizontal plane as the king. "Check and mate."

"No way! Not yet!" said Don.

"Yes way. I have you cornered."

"Watch this!"

Don picked up his king and began to play with it like a toy airplane while sporting yet another strange undescribable expression. "Firing bombs!" he said. The bottom of the king opened up, releasing bombs that destroyed most of Softon's pieces. "Area is now clear. Commencing landing." Don put his king next to Softon's king. "YOU are now in checkmate!"

"W-w-what?!" said Softon in shock. "You can't do that!"

"Yes I can. And I can do it again!"

A loud airplane engine roared. Softon looked up to see a giant chess king flying over him. It opened up in the bottom and dropped a bunch of marshmellows on Softon, one of which being Dengaku Man eating some tofu dipped in miso on a stick. The marshmallows exploded on contact, leaving him in a sticky...red...mess.

"I filled them with cherry filling!" said Don in a chef's hat and cooking apron.

"How dare you!" shouted Softon, trying to clear the delectable goo, "Cherry doesn't go well with marshmallow!"

"Well, looks like the joke's on YOU now!"

"You will pay for that." Softon again assumed his pose. "Super Fist of Blabsalot! Blabsalot Curse!"

The arena turned black as an image of the goddess faded into the background. The eerie voice of the goddess spoke:

You have disrespected the holder of the sacred position of Blabsalot Temple Guardian! And for that, you shall be cursed!

There was thunder and lightning as a swirling green cloud surrounded Don, while he looked around in astonishment.

From this day forth, um...

The goddess paused, as if she couldn't decide on how he would be cursed.

You shall...uhh...be forced to wear a blue and yellow polka-dotted sock on your left foot!

"What?!" exclaimed Softon. "That's not right!"

"NOOOOOOO! Anything but that!" shouted Don, wearing ridiculous amounts of make-up and feminine accessories. "That'll clash with my new purse!"

Now you shall feel the pain and suffering of not having a matching outfit! MWAHAHAHA!!! (More thunder/lightning.)

Blabsalot disappeared and the scene turned back to normal, except Don was now wearing the aforementioned sock.

"ARGH!! IT'S...Sucking the...life force...outta me..." cried Don as his skin began turning pale and he became too weak to stand. "Nighty night," said Don as he collapsed.

Softon was speechless for a few minutes.

"That was...awkward," he said. "I'd never thought to win a match that way."

Is this the end? Did Don lose? Is his quest to prove that he is the real star of the show really over?? Will I ever get a raise??? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion...after this commercial break!

(Fade to black.)

"Hello everyone!" said Bo-bobo as the screen faded in. "Have you lost your hair to a merciless Hair Hunter? Or by other reasons?"

The screen pans to Jelly Jiggler.

"I lost all my hair to a merciless Hair Hunter!! Or by other reasons!" sobbed Jelly.

"Well have we got a special treat for you! I present the BO7 Brand Instant Hair Raising Formula!!" Bo-bobo held up a bottle of said product. "Simply squeeze two drops of our Hair Raising Formula onto your scalp, and within 6 seconds..."

As he said this, he squirted two drops onto Jelly's head. 6 seconds later, he now had a giant golden afro (which looked quite a bit like Bo-bobo's)!

"And presto chang-o! You now have a full head of hair once more!"

"My life is fufilled!!" said Jelly.

"Side effects may include suddenly bursting into flame, but this has only been proven in clients completely made of jelly!"

"Say WHAT?!" Jelly suddenly burst into flame. "AAH!!! HELP!!! I'M ON FIRE!!!"

Bo-bobo casually flipped a fire alarm, and water poured in from the ceiling, leaving Jelly extenguished but badly burned and with only small remnants of the Bo-bobo fro.

"So whaddaya say? Restore your hair today for the low low low low price of only $123,498,204! Just call 1-800-2-BOBOBO! That's 1-800-2-BOBOBO!"

"I need medical attention..." said Jelly as he fainted.

(Fade to black again.)

Welcome back! And now to answer all those questions: the answer is no! For suddenly, my boss came out of nowhere and reminded me of how lousy a job I do! Whoops, I mean for suddenly, a giant hole opened up above Softon!

"Huh? What's this?" said Softon, looking up at the hole.

Immediately after he said that, Sword, Santa, Gus, Alex, and Sam dropped out of the hole and landed on top of him, knocking him out on the spot!

"What happened?" said Sword.

"I think we teleported," said Gus.

"You think?!" said Alex.

"Hey look, Don's wearing some kind of hideous polka-dotted stocking!" Santa pointed out.

"Preparing for takeoff, over," said Sam as he pulled off the stocking, returning Don back to normal.

"Wh-what?" said Don, getting up. "What happened? Did I win?" Don looked over at the unconcious Softon. "I did! I beat the 6th Wiggin Trainer!"

Sigh Actually Don, the truth is he just got knocked out by-

Narrator! Remember what I said about not talking to and/or revealing spoilers to characters from the show? Perhaps I should dock your pay...AGAIN...

AAH! Sorry Boss, it won't happen again I promise!

"What was that Narrator?" questioned Don.

Listen, I'm not supposed to be talking to you...

You're talking to him!

AAH! Seriously, this is the LAST TIME!

"What?" asked Don, as innocent as ever.

silence

"Hmm, I guess he died," said Don.

"But where are we going to find the 7th Wiggin Trainer?" asked Sword.

A mysterious shaded figure appeared from behind a statue. "So...you want to know where the 7th Wiggin Trainer is?"

"Stop fooling around, Jelly," said Don.

The mysterious figure stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Jelly Jiggler.

"Aw man, I never get to have any fun!" cried Jelly.

"Now tell us where the 7th Wiggin Trainer is!"

"No can do, Patchy."

"WATT?!??!" shouted Don in the shape of a lightbulb. "Why not??"

"Because, um... You have to solve this series of riddles!"

"Fine! But your riddles are so lame, they'll point me right to him!"

"Whatever you say, Patch," said Jelly with a mischevious smirk. "Riddle one: Interior observes the greatest piece of the high small board of the system to ignite in the 2. Appropriate opening of Iete and for the existence. They must consider the internal part under 7. Mattone of the clay of the first wall."

There was silence.

"Um...WHAT???" shouted the five minor characters in unison, each with a Beauty-face.

"What? It's so obvious!" said Don. "Follow me!"

Don went all the way back to the Pink Castle, where he fought the 2nd Wiggin Trainer.

"Excuse me, coming through," said Don to Ghosty Gabby, who was sitting in a recliner and watching TV.

"Hey!" she said. "Get out of here! You're interrupting my training!"

"Shut up, Sad Ghost, I'm on a mission!" Don said. He immediately approached the first wall. He counted 7 bricks over from the left and removed the 7th brick. Behind the brick, Jelly popped out.

"THIS is what he was explaining?!" said Sword in disbelief.

"You are a very clever mini-sun," muttered Jelly, "but let's see you decipher THIS riddle! Riddle two: If it is entered great manor one, great controls the average of the works of the POTENTIOMETER of the memory. With here the these 3. One worries about the opening."

More silence. This time, nothing but blank stares from the group.

"A little harder," said Don, "but I still know where it is!"

Don entered the Big Building (from chapter 6) and went straight to the mega storage room. He was about to sit down in the throne again, but relized he had work to do. He went over to a pot in the corner of the room and peeked inside. There was Jelly again, crouched down inside the pot!

"How does he do that?" Alex wondered.

"You mean, Don being able to figure out what these riddles mean or Jelly being able to beat him to these clue locations?" asked Sword.

"Darn, you're good!" said Jelly. "Real good! You must've taken college classes in Extreme Civics!"

"What's THAT got to do with anything?!" questioned Sword.

"But you shall not be so lucky figuring out THIS riddle! Riddle three: As the festivities 7th of the conclusion transmit to person to the series. Great and it is magnified in the restoration nonupdated of the hats of gold found in Bo-wundem!"

"...EH?!?" shouted the others once again.

"Hmm..." Don began to think. And think. And think some more. Finally, he got up. "I GOT IT!!!"

He went back to Bo-bobo's house. He didn't have time to knock, so he kicked open the door.

"WHY DID YOU BUST DOWN MY DOOR?!?" Bo-bobo yelled.

"Because I wanna get inside your mind!!" Don yelled back.

"Oh, is that all? Sure!" Bo-bobo opened up his afro. "Hop in!"

"Dive, dive, dive!" Don jumped in.

Inside was the weirdest environment anyone had ever thought possible, and then some. It was like a jumbled-up inside of a ship, but with various floating objects and mini-Bo-bobo's dancing around wildly to some strange backwards music. Among the Bo-bobo's was Jelly Jiggler, attempting to follow their steps, but failing hopelessly.

"Don Patch!" called Jelly. "Please help! I can't move as fast as the Bo-bobo's!!"

"Ok, watch this!" Don punched Jelly really hard in the face, sending him backwards into an invisible wall. He now started moving as fast as the Bo-bobo clones.

"Wow, thanks a bundle!" he said.

"Now, can you tell me where the 7th Wiggin Trainer is?"

"Ok, you see that Jalapeno and Soy Sauce pizza?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, he's not there."

"Ok."

Don instead walked over to a floating anchor and touched it. A couple weird noises, flashes, and shakes later (the shakes were DELICIOUS by the way, chocolate is my favorite flavor!) he got teleported to Bo-bobo World. Bo-bobo, Beauty and King Nose Hair were playing cards.

"I'll rummy down to the 2..." said Bo-bobo, picking up a few cards. He then laid down the 2, a 4, and a...0?!

"WHAT?! There's no 0 in rummy!" shouted Beauty. "And even if there was, you can't make a straight out of that!"

"Wait a minute... You're right," said Bo-bobo. He switched the 4 and the 0 around. "There, 204! The last three numbers of 123,498,204!" Beauty smacked her forehead.

"My turn!" said King Nose Hair. He drew a card, carefully considered his options, and played...a Reverse Card?! "Reverse! It's your turn again, Bo-bobo!"

"That's not fair!" exclaimed Beauty.

"Overruled!" said Bo-bobo. He drew another card. "I'll play, Bo Eyes Fro Dragon (Atk123498204/Def9999)!" he said, laying down a Yu-Gi-Oh card. "It's special effect allows me to win instantly! Oh yeah, who's bad!" Bo-bobo began doing an abnormally complex victory dance.

"You cheated!" said King, throwing down his cards.

"Oh yeah?!"

"YEAH!!"

The two of them started fighting. Beauty sighed. "I'll never understand those two..."

In spite of how enthralling the fighting was, Don decided to stop watching and ask Beauty something. "Hey, have you seen a 7th Wiggin Trainer around here?"

"I don't know, maybe over there," she said, pointing to a shadowed person on a rock, with a giant neon sign that said "The 7th Wiggin Trainer!!!"

"Why does it always gotta be so obvious?" said Don. He went over to the person. "Hey dude, I heard you were the 7th Wiggin Trainer!"

The person turned around, revealing his face to the light. "That's right. I've been expecting you, Don Patch..."

Don gasped. "It's...YOU?!?"

"SKATMAN!!" shouted Don.

"It's about time we finally meet in battle," said Skatman. "You see, I am the 7th Wiggin Trainer."

"Huh," said Don. "Who woulda guessed? Whatever, I shall easily pwn you!"

"Poor Don... He doesn't know a thing about the severe consequences of him becoming the King..."

"What?!" Don was confused and shocked.

"And you shall not need to, for you shall lose this match!" Skatman assumed his pose. "Fist of the Shining Star! Backwards Movement of Brilliance!" He turned around, facing away from Don, and jumped forward with all his might. However, he immediately began to shoot backwards at a blinding speed, crashing into him!

Don flew backwards and hit a rock. "Gah!" He got up. "Not bad, but consider this: Fist of the Shining Star! Touchdown Pass!" He threw a football at Skatman. He easily caught it.

"What kind of pathetic excuse of an attack was that?!" he said.

"Just a little technique I picked up from Sophocles..."

He blew a whistle. Suddenly, a bunch of really big football players came down and tackled him, followed by a cardboard box with a smily face. Skat was left flat. He popped back into 3d.

"Fine then, I must pull out my ultimate weapon!" Skatman pulled out the plunger from Chapter 17. "Engarde!"

Don Patch was shocked. "P-p-plunger?! How could you?!"

"If you're gonna be dumb enough to choose that onion over me, then I guess you don't deserve my help!" responded the plunger.

"Fine! I don't need you to beat Skatman!" Don unsheathed his Don Patch Sword.

"We will show you who the true better weapon is!" shouted the green onion.

Skat and Don charged at each other, swinging their weapons like mad, aggressively trying to score a hit in any way possible. Each swing, one would bounce off the other. At this rate, no hits will ever land.

About an hour later, digital beeping of a musical pattern began to eminate from Skat's pocket. He answered his cell phone.

"Hey whoever you are I'm kinda busy so I'm gonna call you back later ok bye!" said Skat as he blocked Don's blows with difficulty. He lost his focus for a split second to put it back in his pocket, and during that crucial moment Don struck Skat across the face with his sword. Skat stepped back, holding his cheek in pain, giving Don time to take a breather.

"I wonder who that was?" said Don. Then he noticed Santa waving to him from the crowd as he was putting away a cell phone of his own.

"See, I can help after all!" shouted Santa gleefully.

"Bad Santa!" shouted Skat. "No more cookies for you!"

"Oh yeah, well you're going on the naughty list this year!" Santa shouted back.

"I don't believe in Santa any-WAHH" Skat got knocked back. Don had scored another blow while he was distracted. "Why you..." Skat recovered and got back into position. "No more distractions!"

Suddenly, a range of fireworks went off behind him. Skat turned around and watched in awe. "Pretty..."

Don saw this as an opportunity to stab him with all his might.

"GAH!!" said Skat. Critical Hit! It's Super Effective! Wild Skatman Fainted! Don Patch gained 123,498,204 EXP points. Don grew to level 999! Don wants to learn the move "Pwn4g3". But Don already has four moves. Delete a move to make room for "Pwn4g3"?

"Shut up Narrator, I didn't faint!" said Skat as he threw his plunger at me. OW! What am I, a Rabbid? Fine, I'll stick to the script... Skat was hit pretty hard, but he was still standing. He was pretty aggrivated though.

"You've had enough help from your friends," said Skatman. "I'm getting rid of them NOW." He pressed a button on a remote. A trapdoor instantly opened underneath Don's little helpers, leaving them rather helpless. They promptly disappeared into the hole. "There! Try to distract me now!"

"Oh no! Look behind you!" shouted Don with yet another strange shocked expression on his face, pointing beyond his foe. "It's a 20-foot-tall rampaging mutant squirrel with 5 eyes and a chainsaw!!"

"Do you REALLY think that's going to distr--"

"RAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!"

Quivering, Skat turned around. He became face-to-face with... a tiny, cute, and normal squirrel carrying an acorn. He turned back around. "You really need to stop exaggerating things, Don..."

As he said this, the squirrel began to grow and mutate into the monster that Don described.

"Um...you might wanna take another look..."

"Yeah right!"

Stomp!

"Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about! High-five!" said Don as he prepared to high-five the giant squirrel, but as their hands collided Don was sent flying with the force, through several buildings, a tree, and a random giant block of cheese. The squirrel lifted its foot to show a slightly flattened Skatman.

"Nice work, kid," said Skat. "Here's that 20 I promised you." He handed the squirrel a 20 dollar bill.

"How weak..." coughed Don, "bribing my friend to do your dirty work..."

"You know what I always say...Hmm, here's where I come up with some clever saying about playing dirty to win, but I can't think of any right now."

"Haha, noob."

"I may think like a noob, but I sure don't play like one!" He charged at Don again. "Fist of the Shining Star! Burning Bullet!" He rushed at him so fast it was like a speeding bullet. Don suddenly had a ninja outfit and did some ninja-ish poses.

"I, the famous ninja Donjitsu, shall now deflect a speeding bullet with my bare hands." Skat nearly collided...and Don jumped. "But I'd rather just jump out of the way and not risk hurting my hand."

Skat now had nothing to stop the velocity except the block of cheese. As he crashed, Don landed behind him.

"Fist of the Shining Star!! The Pen is Mightier than the Sword!!"

As soon as Skatman got out of the cheese, Don repeatedly sliced him, ninja-blade style, except with a pen. When he finished his attack, Skat had a big signature on his face. He fell over.

"This...is not...over," he said, out of breath. "I still...got some...energy." He attempted to get up, and barely managed to, then aimed a weak swipe at Don which ended up missing, and Skat fell over again, unconcious.

Many hours later, Skat awoke to find himself in a wooden cottage and a cozy fireplace, while outside the window there was a massive blizzard.

"We found you outside in the slow, frozen solid," said Don, dressed like an old woman.

"We knew you'd never make it out there, so we brought you in," said Bo-bobo, posing as the old husband. "Here's some hot cocoa--"

Skat slapped it out of his hand. "Don't try to change the mood," he said. "You ignorant fools don't understand the mistake you just made..."

"Mistake?" said Don. "We're only trying to help..."

"Not that, idiot! Listen, I can't let you become the King of Wiggin Specialists... You see, while the title may sound great, the King is really the one who keeps the balance between the powers of Randomness and Seriousness by adding or absorbing Wiggin Energy to and from the atmosphere. All Don would do with this title is gloat, and he'd pay no attention to the duties of the Master. Therefore, the world would either become too random or too serious, and this would cause severe problems."

"Wow..." Don, normal again, was surprised. "I never knew that..."

"That's why Bo-bobo should be left with the job. He's the only one qualified to do such a thing."

"Well, perhaps I am not ready for that responsibility...but who said I had to take his job as the King? Did you ever consider that I could just beat him and let him keep the title? Huh? You ever thought of that?"

"Wait...so you're not after him for his position?"

"Duh! I just want to beat him and prove that I'm the real star!"

"...Well, I guess there's no problem then. Carry on!"

"Are we done here?" said Bo-bobo. "I just wanna get on with the story so I can beat you up and prove you wrong."

"Says you!" shouted Don. "I'll prove to the whole world that I really am the best!"

"Well you can't do that without beating the final Wiggin Trainer! Good luck finding him!"

Don sighed. "Well, I might as well start my search..."

As Don crawled out of Bo-bobo's mind, he felt alone. But, that could be because of his non-important friends falling down a trap hole. Either way, he traveled down the path until he found a well in the middle of nowhere.

"What's this well doing here?" said Don, peering down into the well. Suddenly, a strange hand out of nowhere pulled him inside.

It was dark. Don felt himself being dragged. He was too confused to ask anything. But eventually, he entered a lit room where he could clearly see his abductor.

"Gnomead?!" said Don. "What are you doing? I'm not getting paid to be captured!"

"Shaddup!" said Gnomead. "This is important. It would seem that most of your friends have abandoned you."

"Actually, I abandoned them," corrected Don. "Kinda. Sorta."

"Well, I have a very important question to ask you."

"What?"

Gnomead was down on his knees, begging. "Can I be your traveling companion PLEASE?!? Oh please please please please plese-"

"Ok, I get it," said Don. "Fine, I'll be your friend. But only if you promise to be helpful and not meaningless like the others."

"YAY!!!!!!!" shouted Gnomead, hopping with joy. "I'm soo happy now! So, how far have you gotten?"

"I'm looking for the final Wiggin Trainer."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said Gnomead with his mouth wide open. "I know this guy!!"

"You do??"

"Yeah! His name is Charge, and I think he uses Super Fist of the Purple Lightning. I heard he's like one of the top five Wiggin Masters of the World!"

"Cool, but do you know where I can find him?"

"I think he always trains in some other dimension..."

"Another dimension???"

"Yeah. I heard that it's the dimension home to where things no longer exist, like if a person died or if something was destroyed."

"WHAT?!? Then how do I get there and be able to come back?"

"I heard that Charge has a method for teleporting between the two dimensions. If you go there, he can transport you back when you're done."

"So in order to get there, I have to kill myself?"

Gnomead simply handed Don a lit bomb. "Bomb appetit!!"

"Oh boy, my fave!!" Don swallowed the bomb in one big gulp. It exploded. But nothing happened. "Oh no! I can't kill myself! I'm the star of the show! The main character doesn't die!!"

"Oh yeah, I think there's another way to get into the alternate dimension."

"Like how???"

"Like that door." He pointed to a door on the opposite wall that said "To Dimension Number 2". Don Patch silently opened the door without glancing back at Gnomead. Inside was a bunch of mandarin oranges doing the disco inside a giant syringe. Among the oranges was Gnomead in an orange costume.

"DISCO FEVER!!!" shouted Don with delight as he entered and danced with the oranges. As soon as Don started dancing, the oranges and the music stopped. They all stared at him.

"Uh... but I'm orange like you guys..."

"We're not talking about you," said an orange. He pointed to Jelly Jiggler who had sloppily covered himself in orange paint and was trying to sneak in through the door.

"WAH!!" said Jelly, jiggling with shock. "Aw man, you caught me orange-handed."

"Take him away, boys!"

A bunch of oranges in police uniforms carried Jelly off.

"Now let's PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!"

The music turned on and the oranges started dancing again.

"Hold it!" came a voice. The music stopped again.

"Hey man, what's the big deal?!" shouted Don. "I wanna do some dancing!!"

Everyone looked at a man in the corner of the room. He had spiked-up orange hair and a purple jacket.

"Don Patch..."

"Yes?" said Jelly Jiggler wearing a poorly made Don Patch costume.

"Not you!!" The man shot a bolt of lightning at Jelly. He turned into a pile of ash.

"Aw man!" said Jelly. "Now I'll have to cancel my orthodontist appointment!"

"Me?" said Don.

"Yeah you. You're here to face Charge...correct?"

"No way, I'm here to dance!!!"

"...No, if I remember correctly, you're here to face the 8th Wiggin Trainer."

A few gears were turning over Don's head. "Hey buzz off! I'm not running clockwork here!!" The gears got frightened and ran off. "Fine, if you so insist, I'll take a break from dancing (sniff) and challenge the 8th Wiggin Trainer. But where is he?"

"You're looking at him."

Don furiously looked around the room. "Where? I don't see anyone!" He saw Jelly trying to pull himself together. "Is it that guy?"

"Hey! I'm not 'that guy'! You know who I am!" said Jelly.

"Hmm...Never seen you before in my life." Jelly collapsed. This caused him to fall apart again.

"It's ME, you idiot!!" said Charge. "I'm the final Wiggin Trainer!!"

"Who said that??" said Don, looking around the room again. "Could it be...HIM?" He pointed to Gnomead in the orange suit.

"M-m-me?!" said Gnomead. "I'm just here to party!"

"Yeah, just here to party!" said the other oranges.

"I'll show you a party!" said Don, zapping the group of oranges with laser eyes.

"Wait a minute, is Laser spelt with a Z or an S?" asked Gnomead.

"How the heck should I know?" said Charge. "Ask a dictionary."

"Hey Mr. Dictionary, does laser have an S or a Z?"

"I can't tell you," said the dictionary.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!"

The loudness of the scream shattered the syringe. Don, Gnomead, and Charge fell on top of a white square platform.

"Welcome to Dimension Number 2," said Charge.

"Wait, is that the actual name?" said Don.

"Yeah, it is. Odd, isn't it?"

"It makes me wanna go to the bathroom!!" said Gnomead. "I'll talk to you later ok byes!!" Gnomead zoomed off.

"..."

"..."

"Can we just start our fight?" said Charge.

"Sorry," said Don, "but we've reached the end of the chapter! You'll have to wait until next time!"

"What?! But I don't wanna get cut o-"

"-ff!" finished Charge.

"Well what do you know," said Don Patch. "It picked up right where we left off."

"So, shall we start this fight or what??"

"Ok. Let's play rock paper scissors to see who goes first."

"Ok." Charge got his hand ready.

"ROCK!!" shouted Don, who summoned a rock to fall on Charge. "PAPER!!" As soon as he lifted the rock off of himself, a bunch of paper airplanes came in and poked him in the eye. "SCISSORS!!" OVER appeared and attacked Charge with his giant pair of scissors. Charge caught them.

"Sneaky," he said. "But not good enough!" He snatched the scissors from OVER, who disappeared for no reason in particular. He aimed the scissors. "Super Fist of the Purple Lightning! Scissor Outlet!"

He threw the scissors at Don, who easily dodged them. But before he could make fun of this seemingly weak attack, the scissors lodged themselves in a giant electrical outlet, causing them to absorb the electricity and launch it in a bolt at Don from behind.

"AWAWAAWAWAWA" he screamed as the electricity shocked him. Somehow, the scream was creating a beam of A's and W's that shot out at Charge. "Fist of the Shining Star, Scream Alphabet!"

As Charge braced himself for impact, Gnomead suddenly came back from the bathroom. "Ahh.. Sweet rel-AHRH!!" Charge had grabbed him and used him as a shield to block the letters. "Super Fist of Purple Lightning: Thunder Gnome Spear!!" he shouted, throwing Gnomead at Don, his pointy hat acting as the tip of a spear.

Don cyclone-kicked Gnomead, who went spiraling off the battlefield. "You're stronger than I thought," he said.

"You're not too bad yourself," replied Charge, "but I've seen bette-HI-YAWW!!"

The "HI-YAWW" came from Don trying to dive at Charge while he was talking, and Charge grabbed his arm and threw him behind.

"Don Patchi Boomerang!" he said, taking the shape of a boomerang and coming back.

"Storm Winds!" shouted Charge, somehow making the wind change direction and blowing Don off course.

"Grr..."

Don was about to say something else when suddenly, Jelly Jiggler appeared out of nowhere and shouted "Look it's a happy tree!"

"Perfect timing!" said Don, bouncing off of Jelly and heading for Charge at lightning speed. "Fist of the Shining Star: Blue Boomer Bounce!"

Charge had no time to react and got slapped by the boomerang, dealing 254 damage.

"Hehe... You shoulda dualed. Cause I'm about to use my SS!" The screen grew dark. "Super Fist of the Purple Lightning: Thunder Missile!"

He fired a missile of pure electricity. However, it completely missed Don and hit Jelly instead, as if it was intentional. Don began to laugh.

"Why me?!" shouted Jelly, as 100,000 volts surged his body, causing him to explode. Jelly pieces flew everywhere, but the majority landed in Don's mouth as he was laughing.

He coughed violently. "OMG what a horrible taste!! It's worse than Bo-bobo's cooking!!" He fell over.

Charge dashed at Don to do some more damage while he's down (neat, alliteration!) but he realized that Don was just a doll. "Wha...?" He looked at a sign the doll was holding. "Don't look behind you...?"

Don abruptly appeared from behind and whacked Charge's head with his Don Patch Sword, producing a cute squeaky sound. Charge silently turned around.

"Ahaha! You think you can hurt me with a puny green onion?!"

"Puny?! Watch this!" He pressed a button on the sword/onion. It retracted, extended, twisted, and transformed into...a crystal ball. "Haha!! Meet my Don Patch Sword Level 2!!"

"What the..that's nothing like a sword! I doubt it can even be used as a weapon!"

"Huh? Oh right, there's one more thing I have to do." He opened it and took the top half off. "That's better. Now feel my wrath!!"

"Uh... It's not even sharp or anything."

"Do I have to be sharp?" said the crystal ball, which really turned out to be Bo-bobo's afro, complete with Bo-bobo himself! "Fine fine, if you wanna be so picky." He changed Animal Crossing style into a tuxedo. "Yeah!! I'm the sharpest ever!!" A blade came out from his arm and sliced Charge. "Feel my sharpness!!"

Charge kneeled down, clutching his shoulder where he got hit. "Hehehe... Big mistake."

"Huh?" said Don and Bo-bobo simultaneously.

Charge began to glow white.

"What? Charge is evolving!" said Don. "Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnn dun dun dun..."

Charge stopped "evolving" and emerged looking like a shocked porcupine.

"Doo doo doo, dododododododoo! Congratulations, your Charge has evolved into...um, what are you?"

"Your DOOM!"

"Well, that's too strong for me, I must be going now," said Bo-bobo, retrieving the top half of his afro and walking off the battlefield, falling into the endless void.

"Noo! My ultra-sharp Don Patch Sword!! Ah whatever, I'll just pick up another one at the dollar store."

"So... Do you like my new form?" said Porcupine-Charge. "It's triggered whenever I get hit by a sharp object, and now I have immunity to sharp objects!"

"That's nice."

"Plus, I can also do this! Spiny Assault!" He turned around and launched the spines on his back at Don. Before he knew it, he had 1,000 spines sticking straight through his body.

"Wha?! But my acupuncture session isn't until next Tuesday!! Now you ruined my plans!"

"Now, needles, burst!"

The needles exploded, shocking Don with 123,498,204 volts of electricity.

"OWCHIES!!!!!!" he shouted. He bent over, catching his breath.

Man, that guy's tough! thought Don. It's already the end of the chapter and I still haven't defeated him! I'll have to use the time between this chapter and the next to come up with a good strategy!

Will Don Patch be able to defeat Charge's new form? Will he actually use the time between episodes to come up with a plan or will he end up playing mindless MMORPG's all day? Will Jelly ever pull himself together? Stay tuned to find out!

Don Patch...

Oh Don...

WAKE UP!!!

"What?"

Don looked away from the computer, awaken from his trance.

"Shut up, Narrator, can't you see I'm playing WoW?!"

"EVIL!!!!!!!!!!" A leg came from nowhere and smashed the monitor into the CPU. Don freaked out. The leg belonged to Charge. "You shall not play mindless MMORPG's all day! We're in the middle of a fight, and I'm winning! So you have to lose before you can lollygag!"

Don suddenly became angry. "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY LIFE?!?!?!"

"You fool. If you play WoW, you have no life, nor do you deserve to have one."

"Grrr..." Don lightened up. "You're right! Thanks so much for freeing me of this evil spell! I LOVE YOU!!!" He hugged Charge, apparently unaware that it is generally a bad idea to hug a porcupine.

"Wha..what is this?!" said Charge, being squeezed painfully tight.

"It's my Fist of the Shining Star: Love Hurts!"

Charge smirked. "But do you realize...that 'love' hurts you too?!"

"Huh? Hurts what?" said Don, taking his arms back and examining them. But there weren't any pins stuck in them!

"EH???" shouted Charge in a Beauty-like freakout. "What happened to my quills?!"

"This'll make a nice bed!" said Gnomead, carrying a load of Charge's quills and setting them point-side-up in a rectangular shape. He jumped on top. "Ahh... A little rough, but it'll do. Nighty-night..." He began to snore.

"No matter," said Charge. His pins grew back quickly. "They're never gone long!"

"No way! You're breaking the laws of physics!" said Don. "You're under arrest!" he said, wearing a police uniform.

"Aren't you supposed to read me my rights?"

"You have no rights, you criminal scum! Now get in the car!"

"No. Pin Missle!!" He shot his quills like a bazooka at Don.

"Now I'll have to arrest you for copyright!! Wahh!!!" he said as the pins followed him like heat-seeking missles. "Duck!!"

He ran past Charge, who ducked under the missles. "Thanks for the warning, numb-BWAH" Charge got interrupted by a duck that flew into his face.

Meanwhile, Don was still being chased by the missles. He looked ahead and saw Jelly, pulling himself together (yet again...) "Bingo!" he said, grabbing Jelly and holding him like a shield.

"NOT AGAIN!!!!!" shouted Jelly, sporting his famous "epic shock" face. But the missles actually avoided Jelly and hit Don from behind!

"Gah!!" said Don as he got knocked a ways from the blast. Jelly remained unharmed.

"I don't believe it!" shouted Jelly with glee. "An enemies attack actually avoided me, when it had the perfect opportunity to hit! This is my lucky day!" He ran up to Charge and shook his hand rapidly. "Oh thank you sir for not making your missles hit me! You are now my best friend forever!!"

Charge responded with a simple punch to the face. "Jelly Jiggler Magnum."

...You can guess where Jelly's face was aimed.

Yep you were right; it was the boiling lava pit that suddenly emerged in the corner!

"WHERE DID THIS LAVA COME FROM?!?!?!" shouted Jelly's face as it melted. The rest of his body fell over and broke apart again.

"JELLY JIGGLER!!!!" shouted Don, getting up and running over to his fallen friend(?). He quickly put Jelly back together, except for the obvious missing face piece. "Hmm... Just one piece missing... What to do... Ah! I know! I'll go on an epic quest to find this One Piece and become king of the pirates!!"

Charge sweat-dropped.

"Wait, I have a better idea." Don inserted himself into the hole. "Don Patch Fusion!!" he shouted as a heavy orange glow surrounded him and Jelly's body.

Can it be?! Don's actually fusing with Jelly?! Impossible! Or is it?

The glow disappeared, revealing a fit man with long orange- and blue-striped hair. He wore jiggly orange armor that resembled the Don Patch armor from episode 25, and blue clothing underneath.

"Fusion Complete!"

"W-what?!" quivered Charge. "A fusion?! ...What do you call yourself?"

"I am... Donpatchiggler!" he said, striking a heroic pose.

"I think Jelly Patch sounds better."

"No way! Don Patch is more awesome so his name goes first. You got a problem with that?"

"Whatever. I've beaten dumb-sounding fusions before. Take this! Spear Archery!" Charge shot his quills like arrows at Donpatchiggler using a bow he picked up from nowhere.

"Jelly Rebound!" shouted Donpatchiggler, whose armor expanded to cover his whole body. The quills bounced off and headed straight for Charge.

Charge caught the quills. "You remember, I'm immune to sharp objects, right? You're counter-attacks will get you nowhere."

"Then take a gander at my... Donpatchiggler Sword!!" He pulled out...a stick of celery.

"CELERY?!" shouted Charge.

"Why not? Don uses a green onion and Jelly uses a radish. So, let's duel!"

"I'm game," said Charge, taking one of his pins like a sword. "Engarde!"

The two engaged in a fast-paced swordfight. Strangely, the celery was staying in one piece the whole time. Don (I'll just call him Don if you don't mind) fought aggressively, with Charge barely keeping him at bay. Then all of a sudden, Don pulled out a second stick of celery!

"No...Fair..." grunted Charge, trying to block the blows of both blades (Neat, more alliteration!) but failing miserably. Don landed multiple (and strangely painful) hits, severely weakening Charge. When the time was right, Don sliced at Charge's sword, cutting it clean in half!

"Time to finish this. Ultimate Jelly-Patch Dragon!!!"

From the back of Don's armor came hundreds of the blue dragons that Jelly use, but streaked with orange and with Don Patch's eyes. They chomped and struck at Charge endlessly until he finally fell over and powered down into his human form, knocked out.

Donpatchiggler sheathed his celery sword and unfused, leaving a dazed Jelly (with his face back) and a happy Don Patch.

"ALL RIGHT!!!!! I, Don Patch, and no one else, has defeated the eighth and final Wiggin Trainer!!"

"But..." began Jelly, "You had a little help..."

"Shut up, underling!" said Don, kicking Jelly into the lava pool again.

Charge slowly sat up. "I lost... but I am honored to lose to... a Wiggin Master." He got up and walked over to Don. "Take this thunder emblem. It is a symbol of your mastery. You now have the experience you need to challenge the King of Wiggin Specialists. As for me... I'm going to bed." Charge laid down on the porcupine bed next to Gnomead, still sleeping like a baby. Charge did likewise.

"Well, no sense dawdling about here!" shouted Don. "Now I have to go defeat Bo-bobo!!" He passed through a door behind him that opened up. "Bo-bobo...Be ready! I'm coming for you!! I'll finally prove who is the REAL star of the show!!"

After traveling through 167 stages, 24 castles, 9 bosses and 1 box of chocolates, Don Patch finally returned to Bo-bobo's house, where he was engaging Softon in a heated battle.

"Super Fist of the Nose Hair!" shouted Bo-bobo, jumping into the air. "It's All About the Pendulums, Baby!" Bo-bobo snagged Jelly Jiggler with his nose hairs and repeatedly slapping Softon with him, swinging like a pendulum. Softon knocked Jelly out of Bo-bobo's grip.

"Super Fist of Blabsalot! Goddess' Wrath!" shouted Softon as the sky grew dark and the green energy surrounded him. A transparent silhouette of the goddess appeared over Softon, moving its six arms with Softon's arms and attacking Bo-bobo rapidly.

When Softon finished, Bo-bobo quickly got up again and was about to pull some random object out when Don Patch tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh Bo-bobo, I've returned..."

"Shut up fool! Can't you see I'm training Softon??"

Don took a closer look and saw Bo-bobo and Softon jumping rope, with Beauty and Gasser on each end.

"Well, someone had to do it..." said Beauty.

"This is important!!" shouted Don, slicing the jump rope with his green onion sword.

"Fine, I'll listen, just make it quick."

"I defeated all 8 Wiggin Trainers! See?" He showed Bo-bobo the various items the Wiggin Trainers game Don when they were defeated. Bo-bobo stared at them for a few seconds, then burst into laughter.

"Hahaha, you really think those Wiggin Trainers had any skill? They were all weak! Fighting them doesn't prove anything!"

"WHAT?! Then why did I even go through the trouble of fighting them!!"

"Your sword buddy didn't know a thing about how to challenge the King. What you really have to do is get recognized as a powerful Wiggin Master by the King himself."

"Ok...and how do I do that?"

"Well, if you REALLY wanna prove yourself, let me tell you a story..."

"Can we get on with it?" said Softon.

"Oh, go train with Beauty or something," said Bo-bobo. "I'm busy." Softon stomped off. "Now, as I was saying. You see, lately, there's been rumors of a powerful dragon that likes to burn down entire villages. Many Wiggin Masters tried to take it down before, but it's defeated them all."

Don looked up and counted something. "Aha!! Bo-bobo's never serious for over 20 lines! You're a fake!" Don kicked "Bo-bobo" in the stomach, knocking off a mask and revealing... Charge!

"Dang it!! I knew I shoulda made a pun or two!!" said Charge.

"Why the heck are you pretending to be Bo-bobo?!"

"Because this chapter was going to be pretty short in the first place, so I wanted to make it longer. But I must explain to you something."

"What now...?"

"Well, Bo-bobo went off to the dragon's cave to stop it from terrorizing all those villages. He said it had something to do with the dragon also intentionally burning the hair off peoples' heads. But he's having a bit of trouble. So I came to gather the other most powerful Wiggin Master I know to assist Bo-bobo and defeat this menace."

"Bo-bobo actually needs MY help?! Finally he recognizes my awesomeness! Let's go!"

"Wait!" said Beauty. "I wanna come too! Bo-bobo could use my support!"

"Very well then, hang on!" Don and Beauty grabbed Charge's hand. "Super Fist of the Purple Lightning! Gone in a flash!"

A flash of lightning and thunder later, Don Patch and Charge disappeared.

-----

ROAR!!!

"You've stalled long enough! Time to end this! Super Fist of the Nose Hair: Nose Hair Ground Pound!"

Bo-bobo wrapped himself in his nosehair as he jumped over the massive purple dragon. At the peak of his jump, Bo-bobo was about to slam into the dragon, but the dragon snatched him up in its massive jaws.

"Hey! My 'fro's not a jawbreaker! But my foot is!"

Bo-bobo kicked one of the dragon's giant front teeth. The dragon squealed in pain as it dropped him.

Just then, in a bright thunder flash, Don and Charge appeared.

"Bo-bobo! I'm here, and I brought reinforcements!" said Charge.

"You know I wouldn't miss any of your fights!" said Beauty.

"And I'm here for the free cookies!" said Don, munching on some cookies he got from nowhere.

"Hey, where'd you get those?! I want a cookie too!" shouted Beauty.

"Finally you guys arrive!" Bo-bobo yelled. "It's been more than 30 minutes so you guys owe me a free pizza!!"

"Fine, here ya go..." said Charge, handing Bo-bobo a pizza while dressed as a delivery boy.

"Where are you getting all this food?! I'm hungry..." stated Beauty.

"Well why didn't you just say so? Here, catch!" Bo-bobo tossed her a churro.

"Oh, thanks Bo-bobo!" Beauty prepared to catch the churro, but Don in his cat costume intercepted it.

"It's a Constitutional law that Don Patch is the legal owner of all churros!" said Don.

"SINCE WHEN?!"

"Hey Bo-bobo, does this dragon have a name?" said Charge, as Don and Beauty were fighting over the churro in a cartoony dust cloud.

"Yeah, its called Purple. Kind of a dumb name, but it fits, ya know? Dumb name, dumb dragon..."

While the gang continued their pointless actions, Purple grew tired of waiting. He charged up a massive purple fireball.

"Get your own churro," said Beauty, holding Don back, violently flailing his arms and screaming "I'll get ya I'll get ya" much like Dengaku Man. Just as she was about to take a bite, she noticed the fireball heading straight for them. "Ahh! Bo-bobo! Do something!"

"It's all up to you do deflect the fireball, Charge!" said Bo-bobo, tossing Charge at the fireball.

"Super Fist of the Purple Lightning: 6-Goal Megastrike!" shouted Charge. He glowed dark orange as the fireball froze in place. Electricity pulsated around Charge. He struck the fireball with a bolt of lightning summoned by an arm motion. The fireball split into 6 and all headed for Purple, who was now wearing Kritter armor. Unfortunately, the balls were flying too fast and they all beaned him in the head. Purple grew enraged and swiped at Charge with his massive claws.

"Your turn, Don!" said Bo-bobo, tossing Don at Charge.

"Don Patch Punt!" he said, wearing a football helmet and punting Charge out of the way of the claw and into Purple's chest.

"Last one! Go, Beauty!" Bo-bobo threw Beauty this time.

"WAHH!! What are you thinking?!?" screamed Beauty.

"Just do something! Anything!" said Don.

Beauty hesitated a bit, then punted Don, who extended his spines as he rammed into Purple's forehead. Bo-bobo caught Beauty as she fell.

"Wow, I actually launched an attack!" said Beauty. "I didn't think you'd trust me to do that!"

"Hey, if you can be allowed to fight in the Bo-bobo GBA games, then why shouldn't you in fanfics?"

Purple roared. It apparently took almost no damage from those attacks.

"Man, it doesn't look like we did much of anything!" said Beauty.

"This can be tough, even with the four of us!" said Charge.

"We'll have to wig out to the max!!" said Bo-bobo.

"And I'll be eating lots of cookies and pizza and churros!" said Don, munching on the food items he just mentioned.

"Save some for us!!" shouted Beauty, Bo-bobo, and Charge simultaneously.